I Want You

I want cloudy skies with purple tinges
Norwegian wood in my living room
You stand right there when i return in the evening
I want an eternal silver lining
I want you

I want the city life with bright lights
Be on the terrace of a high rise
Fall from the sky into my bed
I want you to catch me when i stray
I want slow days under a warm sun
I want you

I want to stand on the shore of the sea
Run wildly like a child
Run behind me but don't catch me
Sail away in the Caribbean sea
Wont you come with me?

A pretty picture looks something like this
Swim in the blue grotto
Sip red wine and hold your hand
Slowly ease into a lazy day
Saying things that make you laugh
Feeling fervid amidst glistening distant city lights
Underneath the sparkling stars, blissful
Knowing you have my back

I want to make memories so i can someday smile
Through everything...I want you

If You Can Keep Me

I'm so blue without you
Are you blue too?
It so cold out here, Donny
Is it cold there?
It's like ice, Donny
How must it be like
To see home soon

Someday i know your coming
It will rain that day
Eyes will be hazy
And i will run away

Someday i know you will be here
Clear skies will lead
Everyone will watch
That day i will fly away

Donny, dont let them handle me
They dont treat me kind
Remember that letter i wrote you
Can we see the old algiers
If you can keep me
Ill stay forever

Night wont end, Donny
When will you come
Remember that promise you made
Can we leave soon
If you can keep me
Ill stay forever

Donny, sometimes it feels like dying
The heat feels like melting
Dont let them come for me
Can we go away
If you can keep me
Ill stay forever

If You Can Keep Me, Ill Stay Forever..

Under The Pink

Sparkling, glowing
Inviting, tempting
Melted motley of colour
Shimmering diamond
Under the pink
Glimmer
Speaking with no voice

Glitters but with no shine
Shimmers but its fake
Glistens but it dries up
Hold it but it fades out
Run behind it relentless
Maelstrom delirium

One of those days Lost in space
Hot & Cold
It all comes about
Dives, Jumps, Pounces
Quiver
Seeing with no eyes

Erase it if you must
Something to dissipate
Impossible
Screams, Blares, Yelps Lash
Touching with no feel

Under The Pink
Under The Pink
Find me

Skips A Beat

Wont be over even when the tide settles

Possesed, hypnotized, hysterical delirium

This kaleidoscope, this ecstasy, this orgy

Keep moving, retro revival, disco ball

Confetti galore, grind slow, colours combust

Strobe lights, neon eyes

Dance, fly in the sky with me

My heart skips a beat

When we get together

Kisses come from some heaven

Sweeter as we go deeper and deeper

I slip slowly, keep falling

Linger endlessly, endless reverie

My heart skips a beat

Tight grip, galaxy ride

Diamonds everywhere, Sparkle

Emerald green, awe struck in paradise

Rapid images, flight of fantasy

Secrets told, overflowing desire

Fervid, enraptured, ready to explode

My heart skips a beat

Call my name, whisper...

How do you like your love?

Eye of the storm, deeper than the ocean

Utopian odyssey, overwhelming upheaval

Incessant Profusion, mixed surrender

Sweetest Taboo

We disappear

My heart skips a beat

Unrest

Its like the quiet before a volcano erupts
Its like a silent thunderstorm
Its like oceans changing course
Its like the skies tearing apart
Its like judgement day with no decisions

Its like ice showers on snowy days
Its like being stranded with no map
Its like being straitjacketed with no voice
Its like being restrained with no defense
Its like shadows of the darkest nights
Its like the glaring sun on a dead patch

Move glaciers, you said you would
Promise joy, do you remember?
She ran away on her wedding day
She lost the battle before it began
Its like black magic in a fool's paradise

Vacuum

Sudden sense of vacuum
Grip of emptiness
It's the same drum
My stomach hurts
Got a desert in my mouth

I cant find the bird, am i just an empty cage?
Instant inflow, waves rush in
Hard to understand this madness
Intelligible surrealism
Angry comprehension

Close my eyes, try to rewind
Stuck on pause
Choices like angels seem blessed if you deem them right
Move glaciers you tell yourself you can
Watch dream buildings collapse you worked to bring alive

Experience waning hope dissipate, crumble slow
Stand in a distant land yearning for the river
Old moon wont melt into the new
So far away, like a frail star, falling
Vacuum

DayBreak...

My mind races faster than the speed of light
Thoughts wider than Victoria lake
Murky daze, i try to grapple and find a way
Through the blur I see your face
Smile at me, silently mock me
Run, disappear
"I dont know why I didnt come"

Your voice so pacific
Eyes warm and inviting
I want to be swept
Surrender to delve
Perenially submerge
Willingly dissipate
"I dont know why I didnt come"

The sun is breaking into two
Melting slowly
Embodying how i feel
Slow winds surround
Walking by myself
My heart is breaking
Where have you gone?

Lost in memories
Dreaded restlessness
Tears & confusion intertwined
Wishing i could fly away
Ocean calling
Yearning to drown

He's so unusual

Deep passion meshes well with sufferance, i have to accept that. It is a necessary component. We passionate people, hungry to learn more about ourselves will meet pain, and we will say hello and endure it, all the while ensuring that we enjoy every second. Thank you Mr. Allen!

Do you know that this pain is not a bad thing, its wonderful, its bittersweet. It's an enchanting discovery. I celebrate on a big table with white linen cloth and a huge glass of glistening red wine. We ponder over the little things that make our life amusing and interesting. We talk through this and we somehow keep it together. I'm surrounded by people, i believe they are lovely people. Through this I notice that my tears roll down seamlessly..like diamonds falling, i have very little control over my emotions. I also notice I have such a full laugh, i like laughing, i like hearing myself laugh. I like the sound of music and i like missing old lovers listening to this sound. Nostalgia makes me, It gives me a high. My relationship with my past and with my future is so unique and its solely mine...Its what creates me. I'm driven by that. I will chase these things that make me happy and i will also scour for things that will break me, I feel human that way. As eccentric as I am, Ive found comfort and solace in my odd being. I like it now. Right now i feel like the sea..endless. I'm golden and ever flowing. :) I swear I'm not drunk writing this. This is natural intoxication and the wonderful glimmerring resolve of 'anything is possible' is an ingredient to this sunshine drug.

My friend says I'm like this because I'm an ocean of real emotion, it molds itself into an identity of its own. It sometimes moves glaciers and sometimes its silent like the quiet before a tsunami. Or maybe deeper and wider than those two. I'm larger than life.

As i write this i dream big..i love big
I live big

I see myself lying on a boat in the middle of the Mediterranean sea in 5 years. And your probably saying 'He's so unusual'

Ultimately you and I will both conclude that I'm tragically confused however I'm aware of that. I just have this unrelenting yearning to get more, to experience more of this REAL EMOTION that my friend says I'm immersed in. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT BUT I KNOW WHAT I DON'T WANT.

I'm so happy that I'm able to channel this longing without resorting to consuming the entire contents of a bottle of wine :) I guess the real emotion in me is finding expression without intoxication. Its leaping, Its coming to LIFE. Its overwhelming, its like a Spanish guitar heard in Madrid, felt under my skin.

Can i quote Sade Adu on this one?

'I'm just having a love affair with life'

Its self explanatory..with all its meanings, dimensions and repercussions.
Its all in me

:)

Daydream, Distant, Drifting, Lovely, Hazy, Horrid, Desperate..Day

Press Play while you read, repeat if it finishes while your reading :)



Sundays.

Truly slow, truly distant, truly subliminal and all the other features mentioned in my title are apt enough to explain Sunday for me and maybe you as well. I could add a few more qualities in there and every Sunday i can accumulate some new ones. Sunday, the most mixed day, bittersweet...Some just sit around and wait for Monday. Some spend their entire day wondering what Monday will bring, how yellow will turn to blue. Some say screw etymology, its a day that genuinely makes you feel free, let yourself go. I remember how a couple months ago i'd consider saturday night to be the pre-dreamy day party, i'd painstakingly ensure that I let my imagination run wild and oh the pastures i saw. I kinda miss it now, sad.

The slowness of day...dim lights, curtains drawn...zero 7 and theivery corporation pushing me to a blissful swoon. Reaching out for my coffee mug and slowly slipping into this fervid yet painful paradise beyond any human's range. On some days Sade & Norah Jones would take over and help me transport myself to dimensions i longed to understand, feelings I was desperate to comprehend. Those moments as daunting as they may be just pass you by and your left with a memory of how it affected you and thats it, thats it! No fair! TAKE ME BACK, i say TAKE ME BACK NOW! I want to feel that sort of delirium, that sort of unbridled hysteria my desperation would embody.

I say desperation in so many different forms, so much was needed then. I used to lie on my bed and daydream of love long lost and the songs i'd play would become art. I'd see myself through them, i wished so bad to go away, maybe fly away into wherever the song goes when it ends.

Outside i'd imagine a clear day, completely unobtrusive, telling me to join him in his reality, in everyone's reality, its all plain to see really. But I insisted to myself to reside in my very own world where clear days were a seldom blessing and extremely fair-weather. I'd still grapple on some form of reality and maybe include some fantasy in it by imagining i could fly home to V. But V's home is not my home anymore and the feeble vulnerability of human need doesnt understand facts, it doesnt rationalize. Today i find it so captivating because i dont feel this way anymore yet Sunday still remains the day where i let my mind go off. Sunday, actually everyday was an exclusive day for my mind to completely wander (this wonderful madness only happens on sundays now :). The rest of the days were meant for the world to assume I fit their bill, I figure as NORMAL hence I'm allowed to play with all the others in this twisted playground - Life. Damn, it was hard then to associate myself with others, i felt i had eluded mankind in its entirety...I was this strange alien dropped off to co-exist among these so very strange things called human beings. I used to long to go back home, hide and look through crevices at strange humans and wonder why they are the way they are. And why did V become a human ultimately, i thought we were different, i thought we didnt conform. Norah Jones would sing 'I Dont Know Why I Didnt Come' and truly id feel it right through my skin.

When I saw the break of day I wished that I could fly away
Instead of kneeling in the sand
Catching teardrops in my hand
My heart is drenched in wine
But you'll be on my mind Forever

Out across the endless sea
I would die in ecstasy
But I'll be a bag of bones
Driving down the road along

This would essentially sum up how i felt for most of the day. Dreams would stream in, uninvited, only to create further resentment. Sometimes with the help of friends resentment would disguise itself into this treacherous elation. It would be this mixed concoction, the day was like a sordid yet pleasing drug. Strange, no? I would think yes today. But its a sweet memory now, how funny are emotions. One day you could be on the verge of losing faith entirely and the very next day your somebody new.

Well anyhow despite everything, sundays these days are lazy..absolutely sinfully lethargic, enough to embarass a cat. Music still takes me through varying journeys, i love each one and wait for the next with much excitement. The curtains are still drawn, the lights dim as usual and maybe a friend is found lounging on my bean bags and Sade is singing 'You Give Me The Kiss Of Life' and she can croon the entire day and I'm somewhere in this fantastic ethereal reverie.

V still creeps into my daydreams but I understand daydreams better now, I understand the need in me to recreate, fantasize, visualize and then drown in it. Leave the world behind, let your imagination run away, lose yourself to a boundless, limitless joyride. Its SUNDAY!! :)

Meanwhile listen to Sade, Sweetback, Sia & Zero 7
Revel!!!

This song below used to be my theme in june 2008, that was a particularly heartbreaking month and this song was like a friend who understood, who would relate to me.

Am I?

Am i the fire in your eye?
Am i the word on your lip?
Am i the smile in your pain?
Am i the salve on your wounds?
Am i the rain in your drought?

Am i the boy in your street?
Am i the child in your dreams?
Am i the warmth in your night?
Am i the blood in your veins?
Am i the fantasy in your reality?

Am i the light in your dark?
Am i the sign in your tattoo?
Am i the colour in your scar?
Am i the why not in your why?
Am i the make believe in your reality?
Am i the truth in your lies?
Am i?

Where have they gone???

Sometimes it gets to the point that i lose complete interest
Sometimes i watch them and i need a gun to satisfy me

Where have they gone?
Where do they hide?
Must I be put through such excruciating tests

Sometimes i try to interact
Sometimes i search for a common ground

Its such a futile game
Its such a windy road
Might as well retreat

Where have they gone?
I ask for I'm losing on my own
I need a place to call my own
I smell sweet perfume
I taste the red wine
But its all a fantasy

Where they have GONE??????????

2008

2008 - Turning Around

Thank you 2008 for being a year of mixed emotions...a year of extreme joy and also remorse and deep rooted pain.Regret was the theme for most of the year, but you live and learn as they say and regret brought in much needed change. Regret turns into opportunity and also the chance to break free of old chains and the chance to do it all over again glimmers. Regret is therapeutic, its necessary. Its an awakening to me, you realize you shouldn't have let things go the way they did and eventually you do it another way. Hope being the constant!

I live and learn as i type this. I refuse to let bad times cast dark shadows on the year of light! Thanks Neha for the wonderful advice as always :)

V - I miss you at times, but i will not linger, i will say sorry when you come my way this year. I intend to start all over again in terms of being more humane. Thanks for being who you are.

As for me:

I got myself a job that i'm so proud of, I kicked smoking and I quit drinking. I dont need evenings of 'letting go' to get by anymore. I dont need mercy and sympathy shoulders either. Summer was colder than the north pole but winter has brought me strength and faith and renewed optimism. You may not be there with me and you may think i'm indignant without you, but i havent been happier in years. Ive learnt that i can rise in my solitude, Ive learnt that being alone is therapeutic for me. Ive learnt to slow it down and i will cherish the day :)

A few friends said goodbye this year however it made complete sense. In life when you realize your evolving and your finding your true identity it gets plain to see that some people are just not benificial to you during this journey. Sounds a bit selfish but it goes both ways, Iam not good for you either. I hope she will understand that we both needed to grow, we both needed to go our seperate ways and we only bred stagnancy for each other. Resentment and disrespect was all around and we clawed on to memories of years gone by to keep a friendship alive. As hard as it was for me to say bye and as easy it may be for you to think that I was heartless, i do wish you well and i will love you through this. You and i will both shine in our own worlds and one day this untimely end will make complete sense. Hana, i do miss you and i love you. Keep glowing.

I could go on about what else was wrong with the year 2008 but i find it pointless. Instead i will acknowledge how wonderfully emancipating it has been as well, how ive come to terms with so many things i never dreamt i would face so steadfastly. I find myself laughing at some of weaknesses then, i find myself marvelling at how much time i wasted harbouring childish fears. But the new year brings with it so much hope and a new beginning :)

The weary world will rejoice!

2008, thank you for bringing my voice to me...
I will sing my song till i have no voice left
I will go from note to note and scale higher than before
I will sing my song

Shimmer

Shimmering blue

Yellow Diamonds

Soaked Skin

Magnificent Turqoise

Sanctuary i will find you

Tranquility i will come around you

Glisten, Glow

Drown

Ocean Boy

Can i come soon, Ocean boy?
Your so inviting, so captivating
Dont you know I'm weary
Can i join you, Ocean boy?
Earth has jaded me
Implicitly i trust thee, I know thee
Can i collide, can i merge within thee?
Ocean boy, answer me

Your big eyes stare right at me
It's like a world that awaits me
Im kneeling on the sand
Teardrops on my hand
Soon they will be yours
Will you let them
Ocean boy, allow me

I see dusk, the sun is dying
Twilight keeps it all a secret
The full moon waits on like a bride
I'm confused, i need to hide
I dont understand how this world works
Can i drown in thee? Can i submerge
Can i dissipate in your might
Ocean boy, rescue me

And then we can find ourselves so far away
Where the planets will watch us while we play
Noone else will know, Noone will touch
Soon everyone will forget
One day i'll be a part of you

In a distant moment in time, in another dimension
Ill be the merboy you waited for
Ocean boy, I will find your way
Ocean boy, I'm meant for thee

Tattoo

Cold
Ice, Tremble
Streaming Tears
Mystic Morning
Winter Song
Hazy Visions
Smiling Face
I Love You
Grip Tighter
Hold On Longer
You Disappear

I Wear It Like A Tattoo

Elly

Elly, come through
Elly, find a way
Elly, listen to my eyes when you see my face
Elly, i want you for my own
Elly, dont you know how endlessly i wait?

Surely you have'nt a clue
Maybe you will never even know
The affection and the love you missed
Elly, how can you throw it all away
If you came my way, i'd leave it all behind
Elly, please walk by my street
I want you to come by
Tread by my world
And never go away
Elly, somewhere far away i hope you will hear
Elly, i pine and yearn unendingly
Change this lonely life
Elly, come by my way

Something About Us....

I'm completely mesmerized by this song, Something About Us by Daft Punk. At times music is the only real form of expression for me and I find questions, answers, solutions and so much more, all through music. This song reverberates the very feelings i conceal, resonating my hidden emotions. It slips me into touching surfaces of thoughts i usually control and stop from running wild. It allows me to let my imagination emancipate itself into unbridled madness, I visualize the sentiment of the song and see myself in the situation the song represents. What freedom a song can give you, its amazing. I drift off into another time where i reside alone and nobody can touch me, i address my emotions the way i wish to regardless of what others would say, despite the outcome not being in my favour (most of the time, sadly).

I turn off the lights, i find a place to lie down and i prepare to travel into this mysterious land. The music connects with the innermost chords of my heart (sappy, i know). Secrets unravel themselves, confessions are loud, emotions glimmer and are found strewn all across my mind. I see my object of affection and i feel helpless, find a langauge in this song and its my solace. I hold on to the song. Why does love have to be so tragic sometimes, why does love have to make me so sad. It's speaking to me now, i lose myself to the song.....

"I might not be the right one
It might not be the right time
But there's something about us I've got to do
Some kind of secret I will share with you

I need you more than anything in my life
I want you more than anything in my life
I'll miss you more than anyone in my life
I love you more than anyone in my life"

Merry Christmas

I'm hopeful today
I wish on a star today
Have yourself a MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS

All I Want For Christmas Is You

All I Want For Christmas Is You - Mariah Carey

This modern day holiday classic is probably on everyone's playlist now, every year it goes #1 and is the true new holiday classic. First released in 1994 it shot up the charts and became a holiday favorite. In 2008 I notice how this song has stood the test of time and is now a classic. Check any Christmas/Holiday chart and its sitting at #1. Often confused as an older classic it was infact written by Mariah herself for her Christmas album 'Merry Christmas', one of the best selling holiday albums in history. Every year some new pop starlet tries to cover the track much to their dismay it sinks without a trace. Its because Mariah captures the true holiday spirit easily and her voice albiet powerful is also very adorable and relatable. She sings so convincingly, she sounds like someone waiting for Santa to deliver. She waits for her loved one and sings 'All i want for Christmas is you'. The lyrics are filled with holiday nuances and sweet longing laced with a cheerful holiday bells themed beat. Mariah graces the song with her wonderful vocals that go to the highest notes down to the lowest that she manages with ease. Mariah has a unique quality of adding her own touch to every single syllable in her songs, its as if she can emote with albhabets and get away with it.

What's Christmas today without 'All I Want For Christmas Is You'? I personally cant imagine not playing it a million times during the holiday season and millions of people share this enthusiasm. Everywhere you go and notice Christmas spirit, wait awhile and surely Mariah's magical voice resonates soon enough. It brings a smile to my face everytime and i notice how it impacts every generation. I've been to so many Christmas parties and watched people dance to it like children and i've seen children go bonkers dancing to it. I think the purpose of the song is met

Spread some holiday cheer, put on that Santa hat, turn up the speakers

Dance without a care in this world, laugh

Give in to 'All I Want For Christmas Is You'

Where are you this Christmas?

Looking out of the window, this time of happy yule-tide
My world is no longer the same, every year brings with it some change
I see the children run by, the smiling faces, everyone's happy
Christmas bells twinkle, Christmas lights aglow, everywhere
Christmas gifts galore, i see everyone holding hands
A tear strolls down, brings to mind the days i spent with you
Christmas time with you

Where are you this Christmas?
Is your heart filled with joy, is love somewhere in reach?
Maybe somewhere far away you feel these words i say
Maybe you will remember how we once spent the holidays
Where are you this Christmas?
I close my eyes and i reminisce those happy days
I hear your laughter so clear, your smile so vivid
Hope your smiling through the cold winter nights
Hope someone is holding you tight
I wonder, Where are you this Christmas?

Do you step out and see the children play like we used to
Does it remind you how we watched them everyday
I hope your heart is filled with joy like back in the day
I used to watch you how giddy you were
Christmas time dreams, with me you shared them all
We'd take those long walks, we'd watch Santa and his sleigh ride
How it made you so happy, i still remember how your eyes shone bright

Where are you this Christmas?
Is your heart filled with joy, is love somewhere in reach?
Maybe somewhere far away you feel these words i say
Maybe you will remember how we once spent the holidays
Where are you this Christmas?
I close my eyes and i reminisce those happy days
I hear your laughter so clear, your smile so vivid
Hope your smiling through the cold winter nights
Hope someone is holding you tight
I wonder, Where are you this Christmas?

If there was a way, Id say this to you face to face
But your far away yet i feel you hear what I say
When you see the Christmas trees, those shimmering lights
I know you think of me, happy memories rush in
Isnt it funny how we get through every season
But with Christmas we relive those happy days
I see the stars shining bright
I make a wish for you to be safe and merry as can be
Maybe you will come back someday and we can celebrate
But this Christmas i hate to be alone
I really wonder
Where are you this Christmas?