Sunday, March 29, 2009
Now my life has changed
Smiling and watching it spread out
Yearning and then understanding
Comprehending and then visualizing
There's a reason why Freddy is in my life
There's a plan behind all of this
Going along in this journey called Life
Its not going to be easy for Freddy is now in my life
Sacrificing and compromising because he loves me
Somewhere deep inside he does really love me
Language and action we have transcended
Something in his eyes shows he really needs me
There's nothing to say, i hear voices inside him
Freddy, I will stand right here
Maybe someday you will realize
Frightened that you may never understand
But through it all I will be here
'Freddy promise me, not today' she pleaded. Annie was persistent, usually very easy and laid back, she swore to herself today, no more trips for Freddy. But in front of Freddy, she was somebody else. Freddy was in another time and space it seemed, he didn't bother. 'Language symboliqueeeee', he sang out loud, his laughter echoed towards the four corners of his dimly lit den. He danced slowly, somewhere in his hysterical and now uncontrollable mind he was sure that Annie would love him through this. He kept on, changed the records a few times, swallowed all the green liquer he had stolen from his aunt's place. He continued dancing slow, he was mumbling all sorts of words that neither he or Annie would understand. He kept right on, maybe this was his way of showing Annie that he hadnt lost himself to his trip, that he still had it together. Behind all the hysteria, something had affirmatively convinced Freddy he had a reason to be this way, now nothing can stop him. He bent towards Annie to pick up the tiny joint he had made and began singing a song that Annie could'nt recognize. He had begun to go over Annie's head. Slowly she would realize that she was losing him.
Annie watched, failing herself, tears began streaming down her mysterious face. She couldnt watch Freddy doing this to himself, how could Freddy give in again, what gave him in? she pondered. One Two Three Four and Five, she swallowed every single pill left in the green bottle that Batacuda gave them. Batacuda wasnt to be trusted and Annie knew this rather well, yet she watched herself drown for she couldnt save Freddy. Freddy, the boy she relentlessly ran for, she would cross the nile for him she once announced, she would have his baby even, that's what she told Freddy's mother once. Obviously over the years Freddy's mother withdrew from his life, he had no space left for her in his life. Through the maelstrum of thoughts, Annie questioned whether Freddy had burnt the space he had for her in his heart. Did he even have a heart left, she cried to herself. Freddy just stood there and laughed at her, 'stop crying you fucking skank', he pushed her towards the wall. She inadvertently realized that this was Freddy's way of making Annie feel home despite the unwelcomed attitude of Freddy's trips. Annie knew very well that she was just another stranger to Freddy now. The pills started working their magic, Annie slowly fell into a sleep that she believed would wake her into oblivion. No more memories of the previous night. Annie was hyper optimistic and the pills were to be blamed, she thought to herself about how tomorrow she would tell Freddy to choose between the haze and companionship. She thought it would be ever so easy to get Freddy to talk. But tomorrow would have its own agenda. She was freezing cold, trembling, Freddy was lying on the floor right near the entrance to his den. Her eyes flickering, struggling to open somehow through the teary blur and drugged half sleep. She reminded herself of Freddy, the boy cant obviously sleep on the floor she thought, among the million thoughts that were jumbling up in her head. 'Freddy get up, get up you bastard, we have class tomorrow, Freddy please, i love you, get up' she cried, Freddy just lay there. The screaming turned into an old fashioned that plaintively lowered its volume ever so slowly until it was over and only a scratched sound remained.
She was asleep.
He was curled on the floor.
To be continued...
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Why is it that we spend so much time yearning for a particular moment or feeling and then when it happens it just never feels the way you thought it would? Must we stop expecting since things never take the turn you wish. It could be a different shape or form of what you longed for and momentarily you feel blessed and grateful and then soon enough you feel as though you didn't get what you bargained for. Maybe one is being very unrealistic by expecting the world in the first place but then again where do you set the right benchmark for a particular degree of EXPECTATION since none of us can foresee the future. Its such a drowning feeling to sit by yourself and feel that you should be glad things happened finally yet you want it go back to what it was. So what if you don't want what you got and want more and still crave for something bigger, it doesn't matter you must take what you get. Lest it should burn the risk of getting another chance. So much changes by the second, so many thoughts race through your mind. Truths break, faith shakes, life changes. Its so baffling to me, I could have spent 3 years wishing on a star and then one fine moment be handed a broken wish. Should we even take ourselves seriously? One second i have a resolution i stand up for and the next second i see myself breaking it like it never even crossed my mind in the first place. Although this isn't possible, taking yourself seriously is something you just do. Its a part of you. Life cant be taken lightly, little earthquakes every now and then remind us that life is to be taken seriously. Many times we just pretend we're a certain way because its our way of 'not taking myself seriously anymore'.
Sometimes i have thoughts i cant share with anyone and that moment i believe life is to be taken seriously. Its an ocean inside of you, its an entity of its own. If there are things brewing inside me that no one can see, no one comprehends. Things that can break my very hold on things then its a serious matter. But who do you run to if you cant verbalize your own fears and insecurities, what if you realize one day that your still a little child and that life was going so fast that you kept going along without stopping for a moment. I sometimes sit by myself and get affected by the intensity of questioning going on in my mind and then push it all away momentarily. So easy to do you might think, and it really is, at least for that moment. Eventually it follows you till you address it. Sometimes you just have nothing to say to it. Nothing to soothe the mad questions, no consolation, no solution. Such a difficult time, faced with two choices - leave it or take it. And you cant make that choice because it is the hardest, sacrifices will be made either way and those are daunting. Why does it have to get complicated, when did life get so entangled with hysteria. Why cant it be simple?
I could go on and on but i don't want to think about this any longer. Maybe one day this will get clear too, just the way life fixes things that you once thought were deemed unresolvable. Though don't you ever wonder what happened to those situations, where have they gone? Once larger than life itself where do they reside now? How did we suddenly come to terms with it? Are we living our lives differently without realizing that it could be a sacrifice to resolve something that was once a nightmare to us. Are we what we are today thanks to those hell raising moments. Is life just one big learning experience or a piece of crap time pass movie for some larger form that watches us in glee. Then again i tell myself don't take life so seriously and that is what i will do, i will not bother. Life is one of the most confusing experiences ever.
Today was different.
I will remember today for a while to come
Friday, March 13, 2009
What would we do if pigs talked???
What would be the first thing you'd say to them
What conversations would we have with them??
And what reasoning would they give for them living in puddles
Will it suddenly make slobby men look good?
Will we embrace our inner pig thereon?
Will we befriend pigs and invite them over for breakfast?
Really, Just imagine if one fine day your very own neighbourhood pig is at your doorstop to say HELLO.
TELL ME PEOPLE, WHAT WOULD U SAY TO HIM
ALSO WILL U HELP HIM PICK A NAME?
I LIKE MR. ROTHANSA
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
I'm excited about this Holi, I've had terrible holis for the last few years barring a few exceptions (to discuss later). What i love about holi and weirdly hated at one point is the madness that comes from it. All over the city people can be seen going berserk, its like their license to behave like complete clowns. The hysteria of watching someone run up to you with this almost mental glee and then splat..it could be even an egg on your face. That is something i don't take to lightly, id like some egg for breakfast for sure but not on my face, thanks very much. Nonetheless its fun to watch people get creative.
Ordinary 'Mrs Kumar has just smeared some organic colour on Mrs. Pathak' led to the advent of weaponry. Something from a new gun that shoots coloured or non coloured water, great excitement for the little folk to those nasty water baloons too, those were an amazing discovery. Believe me ive made people feel like idiots by charging at them by surprise, how harsh it mustve been for the victim. Looking back i want to say sorry to a certain Mr. Ojha, i threw a massive water balloon on his head right in the middle of his evening walk once, he was pleading politely 'beta, no, abhi nahi beta, no' and whoosh came flying the bomb. Felt bad for Mr. Ojha, he couldn't really say much since it was 'Chotti Holi', the menace begins days in advance in fact.
Like little war mongers my friends and I would get ready days in advance with buckets full of soaked and ready to launch water baloons. We had intricate weaponry and we sometimes had dangerous (shocked sigh** )PUCCA RANG!!!!! We were the terror of the neighbourhood. Personally we would have pretended to be the anti 'pucca rang' brigade though secretly if we had got our hands on it we would attack the first victim in sight. It's like a jungle almost on the main day, the days preceding Holi are about slow but sure hunting yet nothing compared to D-DAY.
I used to live in a press colony called Press Enclave overlooking DDA flats and in our childhood we had made our own India/Pakistan variation of our neighbourly status, it was a very innocent variation i must say.However we would have bonafide Holi wars. Abhishek would come yelling 'Parikrama is in the colonnnnnnnnnnnyyy' and suddenly an army of atleast 30 press enclave holi soldiers out of hidden spots would begin rushing towards parikrama armed with guns, buckets, balloons, colours and some of us would resort to dirty trickery like Harsha who would be loaded with mud balls. A rumour would float around how one among us might just have eggs or even some questionable food item to attack the DDA trespassers. We had colony taps for our rescue in case Tarini's bucket ran out incase the DDA trespassers had their own arms and ammunition. They had these uniquely fast cycles as well that would blaze through the colony terrorizing all of us, but we the brave soldiers fought and fought till obviously one of our mothers had to intervene. These kind of battles would go on till the main day of Holi and then suddenly the battle would just end and we couldn't care enough to acknowledge DDA boys. Suddenly it was a civil war situation, we would be attacking each other.
We had many adjoining parks in our colony. One park would have all the uncles and aunties (today id probably be hanging there or just watching from the window). The one after that park would be where you'd find all the madness. Every year the slightly older 16-17 yr old boys would deem one boy to be 'age appropriate' to be doused in a big puddle of mud, up and down till he is drenched. It was actually a honour to be considered for that i must say. Looking back i was very proud at age 11 i was politely brought to the mud podium and then gently doused up and down like some rotisserie chicken. That bit was always enjoyed!! despite my disgust towards mud and eggs and all the other illegal means being used in holi :) lol
Anyhow those holis came to an end with the horrible entry of useless situations like BOARD EXAMS and ADULTHOOD. Of course no one says don't play holi cause your 24 yet that unbridled madness has reduced. I cant just go up to some random uncle and get the pleasure of smashing a balloon on their bald head, see that even sounded rude, but to me at age 8 it was PURE HEAVEN! and great laughing matter too. Today id be apologizing and probably wouldn't even dare to do something like that. However i still try to make it festive without the mud, eggs, food items, colours and weird weaponry. In recent years i used to big pepsi bottles to attack my friends, but that's over too i guess. Anyway tomorrow i shall revisit my childhood and see if i feel like attacking strangers or not. Tomorrow will tell how it all goes
Until then, HAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPY HOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLIIII
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Check out this soul stirring music video of Mariah Carey's #1 smash hit My All from her 1997 album Butterfly. Directed by Herb Ritts, legendary fashion photographer and an amazing director. He has compared love and longing to the birth of Venus. See the video to know what I'm talking about.
I spent the afternoon listening to the many different piano versions of My All. Each version is so moving, seems to me that this song transcends just being top 40 material, it moves into the category of amazing music creations. The lyrics, the instrumental and the voice blend together and form what you call a real 'ballad'. This is her story and it could be yours and mine too. Then i moved on to watching the video after so many days and it's so beautiful...The video compliments the song and the emotion behind so well, it becomes a short story..a poem in fact.
Watch the video
Leave comments :)
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Norwegian wood in my living room
You stand right there when i return in the evening
I want an eternal silver lining
I want you
I want the city life with bright lights
Be on the terrace of a high rise
Fall from the sky into my bed
I want you to catch me when i stray
I want slow days under a warm sun
I want you
I want to stand on the shore of the sea
Run wildly like a child
Run behind me but don't catch me
Sail away in the Caribbean sea
Wont you come with me?
A pretty picture looks something like this
Swim in the blue grotto
Sip red wine and hold your hand
Slowly ease into a lazy day
Saying things that make you laugh
Feeling fervid amidst glistening distant city lights
Underneath the sparkling stars, blissful
Knowing you have my back
I want to make memories so i can someday smile
Through everything...I want you