Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Has anyone heard from him. Omg has he died?

Hello 5 of u

I havnt posted in a while due to:

1. Rain, heavy rain
2. Frequent medication

3. Lack of creativity hence the need to have a word limit of 60 words

4. Discovery of man named TWITTER. He and i, we talk for houuurssss, ofcourse we dont go beyond 60 words and he never replies. But we've found a connection and yes we might be in love. Dont ask about marriage plans yet, will alert reuters when i have to.

5. REPEAT POINT NO. 3. No grave situations happening lately, pretty much same ol same ol..hence going into my older posts is advised in order to get a better idea of whats up.

6. LAZINESS. Blame that beast for everything. If you can find him somewhere, BLUDGEON HIM and let him never return to me!!!!! I SAY NEVAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

7. Back to twitter, he waits for me :)

Friday, August 28, 2009


Little girl inside, broken one too many times
She kept it all inside, painted on a smile
Under a frozen sun she stood to face the pain
She said to herself through this she will gain
At times the darkness would leave her in vain
Then when the knife began to chip she braved herself
Picked up her bags and weathered the storm ahead

Standing strong through a thousand tears
Battling private wars amid a million fears
Making it through the night sometimes with no one in sight
Intermittently knowing somewhere she will find light
Convincing everyone around her there’s a reason behind this thunder and rain
Persevering for one day she will look through all the hurt and pain
Perpetuating through adversity to find a new person inside
Yes! One day the phoenix will surely rise

Starting over is not easy, it’s so dark at times
She knows it very well & made peace with the fact
Everytime she fell. Wiped the dust off her shoulders
Stood up and walked on as if she never stumbled
She won’t wallow in despair; a brighter day hides behind this sorrow
She will look ahead for there will be tomorrow
When her wings will spread, her eyes will sparkle
Standing proud, ready to take to the sky

Always remember
Butterflies are free to fly
You’re a butterfly, go on and fly
Soar up high above, your spirit should never die
Leave the past behind and don’t you ever cry
For you are a butterfly :)

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Then when love was mine

Slow whispers from beyond
Your face comes to mind
Memories resurface from a place i left behind
All alone as i lay, in the dark it comes to light
Gave it all up for this endless fight
Vivid pictures we painted once together
Once known, Love is so fair weather
Smiles we abandoned for no reason
Moments stolen like the cruel summer season

Lately Im so caught up in you, can we revisit us again
I visualize your incandescent eyes, hear the slow heavy sighs
Laughter and the late night games, breathless and fervid at the same time
Pressed against each other, drifting away into another time
Float away into an intimate daze, a space only made for you and I
Trembling inside yet wanting to stay, knowing very well i wont go away
Holding on to you so tight, a feeling once so right
Miss you.

You know i need your love and still you hide away
You keep haunting me in my dreams
Do i wander into your mind
Like you creep into mine?
Sometimes i wonder if i ever cross your thoughts
Do you think of me
Do you still care
If you do then know that im still here
Im still here

At the same junction you left me
Im still here
Do you even care?

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Blue Daydream

Blue Daydream

The avalanches of memory threatening to fall
Mountains I moved to forget, slowly reappear
From somewhere you come, since i found another world
From nowhere you arrive, since i was so far away
Walking these streets alone, rushing to paradise
Roaming through the shadows of my mind
Slowly falling through empty wind
Blue daydream, is that you?

I thought you wouldn't find your way here
And i will never know why you came back
Blue daydream

Wednesday, July 22, 2009


Hello my large fanbase of 5 blog followers:
Sorry that i havent blogged since 1903, ive been busy. Dealing with mj dying, hypochondria, work, personal life bullcrap, etc etc. Not feeling so poetic or inspired so decided to take a little hiatus. Pressed by a loyal reader im now BACK.

Whats been up with me?
Ive been watching a lot of movies, revisiting childhood through he-man and odd and publicly embarassing hindi films seen in the early 90s with actors such as mamta kulkarni (*shameful sigh*). Ive been dealing with my issues with hypochondria, till yesterday i was sure i had swine flu (im very serious). Michael Jackson died and i was left with a peice of my childhood suddenly gone. A very influential man who formed many of my childhood memories was no longer in this world and the fact that i didnt know him personally but could feel the loss was baffling for me. Wanted to blog about it, but had so much to say that thoughts just got jumbled up and i decided to not write about it. I did write a song called Moon Boy, which i shall post in the next few days. Other than all this, my personal life has been keeping me quite busy and i have so much to say that thoughts and feelings just lose sense of direction and framing sentences becomes quite a hardship. But i guess im back and if the next few days seem to be an uphill climb as im predicting then ill be here pouring out every single thought. Trying to enjoy this bitchy little rollercoaster called Life or GIANT little pink turd or whatever

Do keep an eye on my blog, TRY, my large fanbase of 5!
Love to all

And try to comment for once!

Thursday, June 18, 2009


My underwater love
So captivating
My underwater love
So wonderfully liquid
Watch from afar
So inviting
Daily life, so tiring
Yearn to escape

Waves rush in
Mighty gush in
Pull me in
Slowly drowning
My underwater love

When eyes sparkle
Feelings overflow
Heartbeats resonating
Mutually exhilarating
My underwater love

Bubbling, ethereal
Calming and exciting
No ends and no beginnings
Lets find a secret place
Melt me down
Put me in a trance

If I daydream I lose myself
Think of my underwater love
Out of the blue I envision my underwater love
No one knows when I find my way to the deepest part of the ocean
Jump and dive in amid all these sparkling pearls
Rainbow colours soar
My underwater love grasp on tight
I covet, I drift away
Only I know how this feels
Nobody sees me
Nobody will know
Nobody can stop me
I’m with my underwater love
Underwater Love

Monday, June 15, 2009

Is It A Crime?

It may take you by surprise, you may not believe
But I do think of you and I miss you
I can see through all of these years
And forget what you put me through
And I still need you
Despite it all
I still want you
Don’t you want me back?

Tell me is it a crime that I still want you
Is it a crime that I secretly I pine for you?
Longingly crave for you when I see you with him
Don’t you want me back?

You look in his eyes but do they speak like mine?
You hold him tight but does it feel right?
You kiss his lips, do they feel like mine?
You embrace him but does it compare?
You take his love but it’s not like mine

Higher than the heavens above
Deeper than the deepest ocean
In a separate private place
This rage knows no bounds
My desire doesn’t know where to stop
Surely he doesn’t know how
Surely he can’t please you the way I did

Tell me is it a crime that I still need you
Is it a crime that I want you to want me too?
Tell me is it a crime?

Monday, May 18, 2009

The Wind Has Taken You

The wind has taken you
Now you’re free
At peace
All the pain is gone

How did you let life go by?
How could you say goodbye?
So soon, so young to die
Too early to fly
All we can do is cry

The wind has taken you
Now you’re far away
All your worries come to an end
But what about the ones that you left behind?

How did you throw it all away?
How could you give up?
So soon, so young to die
Too early to fly
All we can do is cry

With the wind go all your dreams
Dreams you kept inside
They’re gone with the spirit in your eyes
Just a memory you will remain
Flowing in my mind
Like the wind

The wind has taken you.

Dream Pt. 2

You found your way into my realm
Sparkling through my imagination
You flew into my lair and swept me away
Took me into another dimension
Swirl me around
Paradise felt so good
When you visited me
In my daydream

So enraptured in this trip
You put me in a trance
A daze I can’t explain
High up somewhere we roam
Vividly in the sky
You and I
When you wandered into my mind
In my daydream

I lose control of myself
Come and take me
Diamonds strewn all around
Such ecstatic reverie
Lets find another place in time
When you come inside
In my daydream

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Dream Pt. 1

Late at night, when noone's in sight

Lying on my bed, im floating in the sky

You slowly creep into my thoughts

It seems real, so vividly sparkling like a star

Eventually you appear, as we lay

Its a fantasy, its so surreal

You Come into my dreams

Its deeper than reality, higher than the heavens above

Its a private emotion i cant verbalize

Wandering in a placeless place

Floating like a liquid in a timeless space

Somehow from somewhere you appear

I close my eyes and we take flight

In silence you say a thousand words

You come into my dreams

So guarded from going astray

Yet you slowly melt me down

Find me in a secret place

In this purple haze i surrender

Hypnotized by your gaze

Thursday, April 23, 2009

I Never Said Goodbye

I didn’t get a chance to say bye bye
I couldn’t even believe you were gone forever
So quickly everything changed, I stood and watched
Here today and suddenly gone
There was so much to say
A life to live with you, now taken away
I was so little, I was told to be brave
They said time would heal the pain
Yet it hurts till today and no one will ever take your place
Sometimes I crumble inside to see your face, to see you smile again
Sometimes I crave to hear your voice again, to say my name
I wish we could talk, I wish we could go for a long walk
Just a moment in time

But today I see a shining star
I know you watch me everyday
Every time I pray, everywhere
Id give the world to be by your side
But your so far away, in a better place
I hold on to the memories
Smile everytime I think of you
Wish that someday I can join u
Until then this how Id say goodbye

Every night I’d pine to have you back
Lose endless tears in wait; maybe you’d come back
Look at the moon and ask why you even went away
There was no consolation, no logical explanation
Id cry till I fell asleep, morning came and everything was the same
Id imagine how it would be if you were still in the kitchen
If I could run to you everytime I fell
If I could complain to you when bullies made their way
I’d do anything to have you save my day
And comfort me while life goes on
Sometimes i miss you more than words can explain

But today I see a beam in the sky
I know your shining down on me
Everytime I hurt, everytime it pains
You touch my soul and suddenly I’m allright
I’d cross the seven seas to have you back
But you’re a sparkling light in a beautiful place
I hold on to the days we spent together
Smile everytime memories resurface
Wish that someday we can be together
Until then this how id say goodbye

Monday, April 13, 2009

The Question Behind The Lie

It doesnt hurt me when its white, but its stopped being white, its colourless now. The lie thats spoken is no longer white or black. Ive just realized in my life i have some pathalogical liars who alter their realities to just suit themselves, to make it what they wish it should be. It doesnt pain me any longer nor do i feel cheated or wronged, i feel bad for the person now. Yes im hyper sensitive so it does linger with me, i keep thinking about the lie and how easily i always fall for it, never question it. Lest i should be known as insecure, inquisitive, over involved, mental..etc. The list of hurls are endless whenever ive questioned the liar of the moment. But i wonder if it really hurts me any longer and what really bothers me. What exactly pinches me when i'm lied to.

In love i noticed i was lied to on several occassions. Some big lies, some little lies. Be that as it may it always affected me, even if its the past it still provokes some anger in me. Why did V lie so much? V wasnt studying all those times, V wasnt alone all those times either. There was no harm in telling the truth, why are we so scared of being truthful. Are lies just trivial now, is it just a way to save yourself of unneccesary explanation or to avoid the repurcussions. Is it fair?

What is it about being lied to that bothers me so much? i still dont know. Is it the fact that someone i care for is being dishonest to me or is it that the person takes me so lightly that i cant know the truth or is it that im so miniscule in your life that there's no point elaborating? I remember what kate winslet said in 'Revolutionary Road', "Noone chooses truth, they just get better at lying". Such stark reality, is everyone lying to me and to themselves?

Today i called L and L just said 'Oh, im working on a project', i knew it was a lie. Sometimes you just know when your being lied to. Then i hear L's friend and i inadvertently knew i was being lied to as L got jumbled up in stupid excuses for having a friend over and suddenly everything was meaningless 'ill call you later ya, ill call you i said'. I was wondering right after the call, what was the point of lying? You dont want to converse, just say so. Why construct a random lie and belittle the person goes beyond me. It doesnt even hurt me any longer but it bothers me for sure.

It made me remember all those little times ive been lied to by people ive cared for. For no important reason ive been randomly lied to and it makes no sense to me any longer. Sometimes i want to just ask the person why they lie, but it seems futile since i'll be bombarded with taunts like how i think too much and how i imagine everyone conspiring against me.

This reminds me of this poignant line in 'in the waiting line'
"Do you believe in what you see?" "Everyone's saying different things to me"
I dont know if i believe in anything sometimes and when someone lies to me i dont believe in them ever again.

I wonder if love and lies go hand in hand? Tori amos sang very outrightly "If you love a lot you lie a lot." I guess its a catch 22!

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Annie's Song.

Walking on air, fervor has set in
Now my life has changed
Smiling and watching it spread out
Yearning and then understanding
Comprehending and then visualizing
There's a reason why Freddy is in my life
There's a plan behind all of this

Going along in this journey called Life
Its not going to be easy for Freddy is now in my life
Sacrificing and compromising because he loves me
Somewhere deep inside he does really love me
Language and action we have transcended
Something in his eyes shows he really needs me
There's nothing to say, i hear voices inside him

Freddy, I will stand right here
Maybe someday you will realize
Frightened that you may never understand
But through it all I will be here

I Tried To Save You Freddy - Chapter 1

**He loved AIR, he had put it on really loud so he could block out Annie's constant jargon**

'Freddy promise me, not today' she pleaded. Annie was persistent, usually very easy and laid back, she swore to herself today, no more trips for Freddy. But in front of Freddy, she was somebody else. Freddy was in another time and space it seemed, he didn't bother. 'Language symboliqueeeee', he sang out loud, his laughter echoed towards the four corners of his dimly lit den. He danced slowly, somewhere in his hysterical and now uncontrollable mind he was sure that Annie would love him through this. He kept on, changed the records a few times, swallowed all the green liquer he had stolen from his aunt's place. He continued dancing slow, he was mumbling all sorts of words that neither he or Annie would understand. He kept right on, maybe this was his way of showing Annie that he hadnt lost himself to his trip, that he still had it together. Behind all the hysteria, something had affirmatively convinced Freddy he had a reason to be this way, now nothing can stop him. He bent towards Annie to pick up the tiny joint he had made and began singing a song that Annie could'nt recognize. He had begun to go over Annie's head. Slowly she would realize that she was losing him.

Annie watched, failing herself, tears began streaming down her mysterious face. She couldnt watch Freddy doing this to himself, how could Freddy give in again, what gave him in? she pondered. One Two Three Four and Five, she swallowed every single pill left in the green bottle that Batacuda gave them. Batacuda wasnt to be trusted and Annie knew this rather well, yet she watched herself drown for she couldnt save Freddy. Freddy, the boy she relentlessly ran for, she would cross the nile for him she once announced, she would have his baby even, that's what she told Freddy's mother once. Obviously over the years Freddy's mother withdrew from his life, he had no space left for her in his life. Through the maelstrum of thoughts, Annie questioned whether Freddy had burnt the space he had for her in his heart. Did he even have a heart left, she cried to herself. Freddy just stood there and laughed at her, 'stop crying you fucking skank', he pushed her towards the wall. She inadvertently realized that this was Freddy's way of making Annie feel home despite the unwelcomed attitude of Freddy's trips. Annie knew very well that she was just another stranger to Freddy now. The pills started working their magic, Annie slowly fell into a sleep that she believed would wake her into oblivion. No more memories of the previous night. Annie was hyper optimistic and the pills were to be blamed, she thought to herself about how tomorrow she would tell Freddy to choose between the haze and companionship. She thought it would be ever so easy to get Freddy to talk. But tomorrow would have its own agenda. She was freezing cold, trembling, Freddy was lying on the floor right near the entrance to his den. Her eyes flickering, struggling to open somehow through the teary blur and drugged half sleep. She reminded herself of Freddy, the boy cant obviously sleep on the floor she thought, among the million thoughts that were jumbling up in her head. 'Freddy get up, get up you bastard, we have class tomorrow, Freddy please, i love you, get up' she cried, Freddy just lay there. The screaming turned into an old fashioned that plaintively lowered its volume ever so slowly until it was over and only a scratched sound remained.

She was asleep.
He was curled on the floor.

To be continued...

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Swept Under, Swept Away, Still Floating

**heavily inspired by the music currently playing in my room, feelings could be different tomorrow**

Why is it that we spend so much time yearning for a particular moment or feeling and then when it happens it just never feels the way you thought it would? Must we stop expecting since things never take the turn you wish. It could be a different shape or form of what you longed for and momentarily you feel blessed and grateful and then soon enough you feel as though you didn't get what you bargained for. Maybe one is being very unrealistic by expecting the world in the first place but then again where do you set the right benchmark for a particular degree of EXPECTATION since none of us can foresee the future. Its such a drowning feeling to sit by yourself and feel that you should be glad things happened finally yet you want it go back to what it was. So what if you don't want what you got and want more and still crave for something bigger, it doesn't matter you must take what you get. Lest it should burn the risk of getting another chance. So much changes by the second, so many thoughts race through your mind. Truths break, faith shakes, life changes. Its so baffling to me, I could have spent 3 years wishing on a star and then one fine moment be handed a broken wish. Should we even take ourselves seriously? One second i have a resolution i stand up for and the next second i see myself breaking it like it never even crossed my mind in the first place. Although this isn't possible, taking yourself seriously is something you just do. Its a part of you. Life cant be taken lightly, little earthquakes every now and then remind us that life is to be taken seriously. Many times we just pretend we're a certain way because its our way of 'not taking myself seriously anymore'.

Sometimes i have thoughts i cant share with anyone and that moment i believe life is to be taken seriously. Its an ocean inside of you, its an entity of its own. If there are things brewing inside me that no one can see, no one comprehends. Things that can break my very hold on things then its a serious matter. But who do you run to if you cant verbalize your own fears and insecurities, what if you realize one day that your still a little child and that life was going so fast that you kept going along without stopping for a moment. I sometimes sit by myself and get affected by the intensity of questioning going on in my mind and then push it all away momentarily. So easy to do you might think, and it really is, at least for that moment. Eventually it follows you till you address it. Sometimes you just have nothing to say to it. Nothing to soothe the mad questions, no consolation, no solution. Such a difficult time, faced with two choices - leave it or take it. And you cant make that choice because it is the hardest, sacrifices will be made either way and those are daunting. Why does it have to get complicated, when did life get so entangled with hysteria. Why cant it be simple?

I could go on and on but i don't want to think about this any longer. Maybe one day this will get clear too, just the way life fixes things that you once thought were deemed unresolvable. Though don't you ever wonder what happened to those situations, where have they gone? Once larger than life itself where do they reside now? How did we suddenly come to terms with it? Are we living our lives differently without realizing that it could be a sacrifice to resolve something that was once a nightmare to us. Are we what we are today thanks to those hell raising moments. Is life just one big learning experience or a piece of crap time pass movie for some larger form that watches us in glee. Then again i tell myself don't take life so seriously and that is what i will do, i will not bother. Life is one of the most confusing experiences ever.

Something New

Today something new happened and Im not going to ponder over it or think about the repercussions either. Today something different happened and this time i will not bother about it like i would have two years ago. Today i will let it rush over me and let it happen for me.

Today was different.
I will remember today for a while to come

Friday, March 13, 2009

Startling Thought Of The Day

I was wondering, very intently i must say
What would we do if pigs talked???
What would be the first thing you'd say to them

What conversations would we have with them??
And what reasoning would they give for them living in puddles
Will it suddenly make slobby men look good?
Will we embrace our inner pig thereon?
Will we befriend pigs and invite them over for breakfast?

Really, Just imagine if one fine day your very own neighbourhood pig is at your doorstop to say HELLO.



Tuesday, March 10, 2009

My History With Holi - Never Enough Said

I'm excited about this Holi, I've had terrible holis for the last few years barring a few exceptions (to discuss later). What i love about holi and weirdly hated at one point is the madness that comes from it. All over the city people can be seen going berserk, its like their license to behave like complete clowns. The hysteria of watching someone run up to you with this almost mental glee and then could be even an egg on your face. That is something i don't take to lightly, id like some egg for breakfast for sure but not on my face, thanks very much. Nonetheless its fun to watch people get creative.

Ordinary 'Mrs Kumar has just smeared some organic colour on Mrs. Pathak' led to the advent of weaponry. Something from a new gun that shoots coloured or non coloured water, great excitement for the little folk to those nasty water baloons too, those were an amazing discovery. Believe me ive made people feel like idiots by charging at them by surprise, how harsh it mustve been for the victim. Looking back i want to say sorry to a certain Mr. Ojha, i threw a massive water balloon on his head right in the middle of his evening walk once, he was pleading politely 'beta, no, abhi nahi beta, no' and whoosh came flying the bomb. Felt bad for Mr. Ojha, he couldn't really say much since it was 'Chotti Holi', the menace begins days in advance in fact.

Like little war mongers my friends and I would get ready days in advance with buckets full of soaked and ready to launch water baloons. We had intricate weaponry and we sometimes had dangerous (shocked sigh** )PUCCA RANG!!!!! We were the terror of the neighbourhood. Personally we would have pretended to be the anti 'pucca rang' brigade though secretly if we had got our hands on it we would attack the first victim in sight. It's like a jungle almost on the main day, the days preceding Holi are about slow but sure hunting yet nothing compared to D-DAY.

I used to live in a press colony called Press Enclave overlooking DDA flats and in our childhood we had made our own India/Pakistan variation of our neighbourly status, it was a very innocent variation i must say.However we would have bonafide Holi wars. Abhishek would come yelling 'Parikrama is in the colonnnnnnnnnnnyyy' and suddenly an army of atleast 30 press enclave holi soldiers out of hidden spots would begin rushing towards parikrama armed with guns, buckets, balloons, colours and some of us would resort to dirty trickery like Harsha who would be loaded with mud balls. A rumour would float around how one among us might just have eggs or even some questionable food item to attack the DDA trespassers. We had colony taps for our rescue in case Tarini's bucket ran out incase the DDA trespassers had their own arms and ammunition. They had these uniquely fast cycles as well that would blaze through the colony terrorizing all of us, but we the brave soldiers fought and fought till obviously one of our mothers had to intervene. These kind of battles would go on till the main day of Holi and then suddenly the battle would just end and we couldn't care enough to acknowledge DDA boys. Suddenly it was a civil war situation, we would be attacking each other.

We had many adjoining parks in our colony. One park would have all the uncles and aunties (today id probably be hanging there or just watching from the window). The one after that park would be where you'd find all the madness. Every year the slightly older 16-17 yr old boys would deem one boy to be 'age appropriate' to be doused in a big puddle of mud, up and down till he is drenched. It was actually a honour to be considered for that i must say. Looking back i was very proud at age 11 i was politely brought to the mud podium and then gently doused up and down like some rotisserie chicken. That bit was always enjoyed!! despite my disgust towards mud and eggs and all the other illegal means being used in holi :) lol

Anyhow those holis came to an end with the horrible entry of useless situations like BOARD EXAMS and ADULTHOOD. Of course no one says don't play holi cause your 24 yet that unbridled madness has reduced. I cant just go up to some random uncle and get the pleasure of smashing a balloon on their bald head, see that even sounded rude, but to me at age 8 it was PURE HEAVEN! and great laughing matter too. Today id be apologizing and probably wouldn't even dare to do something like that. However i still try to make it festive without the mud, eggs, food items, colours and weird weaponry. In recent years i used to big pepsi bottles to attack my friends, but that's over too i guess. Anyway tomorrow i shall revisit my childhood and see if i feel like attacking strangers or not. Tomorrow will tell how it all goes


Sunday, March 8, 2009

Mariah - My All - Video - Directed By Herb Ritts

Check out this soul stirring music video of Mariah Carey's #1 smash hit My All from her 1997 album Butterfly. Directed by Herb Ritts, legendary fashion photographer and an amazing director. He has compared love and longing to the birth of Venus. See the video to know what I'm talking about.

I spent the afternoon listening to the many different piano versions of My All. Each version is so moving, seems to me that this song transcends just being top 40 material, it moves into the category of amazing music creations. The lyrics, the instrumental and the voice blend together and form what you call a real 'ballad'. This is her story and it could be yours and mine too. Then i moved on to watching the video after so many days and it's so beautiful...The video compliments the song and the emotion behind so well, it becomes a short story..a poem in fact.

Watch the video
Leave comments :)

Sunday, March 1, 2009

I Want You

I want cloudy skies with purple tinges
Norwegian wood in my living room
You stand right there when i return in the evening
I want an eternal silver lining
I want you

I want the city life with bright lights
Be on the terrace of a high rise
Fall from the sky into my bed
I want you to catch me when i stray
I want slow days under a warm sun
I want you

I want to stand on the shore of the sea
Run wildly like a child
Run behind me but don't catch me
Sail away in the Caribbean sea
Wont you come with me?

A pretty picture looks something like this
Swim in the blue grotto
Sip red wine and hold your hand
Slowly ease into a lazy day
Saying things that make you laugh
Feeling fervid amidst glistening distant city lights
Underneath the sparkling stars, blissful
Knowing you have my back

I want to make memories so i can someday smile
Through everything...I want you

Friday, February 27, 2009

If You Can Keep Me

I'm so blue without you
Are you blue too?
It so cold out here, Donny
Is it cold there?
It's like ice, Donny
How must it be like
To see home soon

Someday i know your coming
It will rain that day
Eyes will be hazy
And i will run away

Someday i know you will be here
Clear skies will lead
Everyone will watch
That day i will fly away

Donny, dont let them handle me
They dont treat me kind
Remember that letter i wrote you
Can we see the old algiers
If you can keep me
Ill stay forever

Night wont end, Donny
When will you come
Remember that promise you made
Can we leave soon
If you can keep me
Ill stay forever

Donny, sometimes it feels like dying
The heat feels like melting
Dont let them come for me
Can we go away
If you can keep me
Ill stay forever

If You Can Keep Me, Ill Stay Forever..

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Slow Hysteria..Sex and The City Theme By Groove Armada

Sex and the city theme! and you think of that uplifting sexy tune that starts off right when the show begins however the producers chose another song to represent the show as its THEME. This theme that im talking about was meant for a soundtrack release with other hit songs that go with the 'theme' of the show. Naturally these songs were used during the episodes of the first few seasons when this CD came out, each one as funky as the rest, each with a meaning. Yet when it all boils down to that one song that takes the cake it has to be the theme created by house music legends Groove Armada. This song is a slow, sensual, drunken kind of song, how do i even explain it? its a mix of everything, its really like a feeling in itself. Can I just say how many nights i have spent listening to this slow haunting and hangover'esque song, till today i get transported back to random moments in my life the past two years. Every vision is murky and mysterious yet i know it so very well, i end up getting goosebumps, i want those days back so badly despite detesting the notion of it. How funny is music, it carries you to such familiar territories. When you get there you realize as familiar as these places seem they are now just vivid memories, embalmed in the back of your head, triggered by this sound that played then. My friend Rudra once told me that this song is very 'metropolitan', it made no sense really but it also meant so much more than just that one word. This song is a city in itself...its the struggles, the confusions, the heart-aches, the constant madness, the run.

Im hearing this as i type and i feel a sudden rush of memories. Theyre like water when a tube bursts. I see so much and its comforting but also frightening, i dont want to remember. If i remember too much i will be pained and if it goes on i might want it all over again. I can see my friends all over the place, a variety of songs including this theme song. We're so sure of ourselves, we believe we have it all, if someone said we were delusional, they'd be idiots to think so. I swear i couldve imagined it would've lasted forever. J calls up and says is nearby somewhere, i'm young and unbridled, i leave and go where i should. Its 7am, it doesnt matter whether the others have just started their day, mine's still not over yet. J is all i want and those days were smoky, they were slow and they were dreamy. Even then i'd play this song and think of it like langauge to my thoughts and now when i play it, i can revisit those days. As we go ahead in time certain fragments of the past get less tormenting, approaching them becomes easier and it becomes a sweet kind of pain to envision those times. A few months back i wouldnt play this song because it would just take me back to places i didnt wanna see, to thoughts i was trying to avoid. Now its different, and the song lives on forever. I wonder if 5 years down the line the same will happen when i play this song. Is it true that sometimes when you love something so much that it becomes entrenched in that very moment? and everytime your around it it takes you back to that very moment. So surreal, im feeling this sort of sadness as i type cuz i miss those days and yet im so glad theyre done with.

Somehow i'm addicted to Groove Armada's theme right now. I was watching one of the re-runs of this amazing show and it came on and back when i saw this episode i didnt know of this song. Today when it started playing it felt so APT! They played it right when Carrie was talking about her fulfilling relationship with Aiden yet she was getting plagued by the memory of the previous night when she slept with BIG. She cheated on this lovely guy and now she is in this dilemma and its so NEW YORK, so hungover, so confused, such slow hysteria...

I love this song! Hear it!

Friday, February 20, 2009

Under The Pink

Sparkling, glowing
Inviting, tempting

Melted motley of colour

Shimmering diamond

Under the pink

Speaking with no voice

Glitters but with no shine

Shimmers but its fake

Glistens but it dries up

Hold it but it fades out

Run behind it relentless
Maelstrom delirium

One of those days
Lost in space
Hot & Cold
It all comes about

Dives, Jumps, Pounces

Seeing with no eyes

Erase it if you must

Something to dissipate


Screams, Blares, Yelps
Touching with no feel

Under The Pink
Under The Pink

Find me

Skips A Beat

Wont be over even when the tide settles

Possesed, hypnotized, hysterical delirium

This kaleidoscope, this ecstasy, this orgy

Keep moving, retro revival, disco ball

Confetti galore, grind slow, colours combust

Strobe lights, neon eyes

Dance, fly in the sky with me

My heart skips a beat

When we get together

Kisses come from some heaven

Sweeter as we go deeper and deeper

I slip slowly, keep falling

Linger endlessly, endless reverie

My heart skips a beat

Tight grip, galaxy ride

Diamonds everywhere, Sparkle

Emerald green, awe struck in paradise

Rapid images, flight of fantasy

Secrets told, overflowing desire

Fervid, enraptured, ready to explode

My heart skips a beat

Call my name, whisper...

How do you like your love?

Eye of the storm, deeper than the ocean

Utopian odyssey, overwhelming upheaval

Incessant Profusion, mixed surrender

Sweetest Taboo

We disappear

My heart skips a beat

Thursday, February 19, 2009

We Belong Together

Sometimes songs can speak to me so much more than the people around me. Sometimes it can bring alive such stark realities that id otherwise keep pressed away, it can move me in ways i cant explain and take me to dimensions i cant otherwise understand. We Belong Together is one such song. It took me into space.

J and I would play it all the time and maybe even repeat the words to each other sometimes, these are little secrets i kept concealed and today theyre free and i embrace them so openly. I'd just lie there and play it all day long. And then obviously when J would disappear and none of my friends had a clue i'd use this song and relate it to it in such levels that nobody could've put a finger on. I remember those lazy afternoons i'd just sit around, languid, listening to this song. Sometimes i'd paint pictures of how I will be in love again. It's the kind of song that makes you want to be in love. I This song just has to be the one that splits me open till today. Call me schmaltzy, call me cheesy, it really doesnt matter because its songs like these that speak to our deepest emotions. IAM A COMPLETE 'WE BELONG TOGETHER' junkie. It moves me to crumble up completely, i get goosebumps listening to mariah's voice and the lyrics are just so simplistic that its extremely ease to end up relating to it. Everyone can relate to this one. PLEASE HAVE A LISTEN AND COMMENT

Just as a selling point this song has won 3 grammies and numerous other awards apart for being the song of 2005 and the longest stay at #1 this decade. It also happens to be Mariah's biggest hit in terms of worldwide chart success and the amazing career comeback for her. Her 16!! #1 single and definetely one of her best!

I didn't mean it when I said I didn't love you so
I should have held on tight I never should've let you go
I didn't know nothing I was stupid, I was foolish
I was lying to myself

I could not fathom that I would ever be without your love
Never imagined I'd be sitting here beside myself
'Cause I didn't know you, 'cause I didn't know me
But I thought I knew everything
I never felt

The feeling that I'm feeling now that I don't hear your voice
Or have your touch and kiss your lips 'cause I don't have a choice
Oh, what I wouldn't give to have you lying by my side
Right here, 'cause baby
(We belong together)

When you left I lost a part of me
It's still so hard to believe
Come back baby, please
'Cause we belong together

Who else am I gonna lean on when times get rough
Who's gonna talk to me on the phone 'till the sun comes up
Who's gonna take your place there ain't nobody better
Oh, baby baby, we belong together

I can't sleep at night when you are on my mind
Bobby Womack's on the radio saying to me:
"If you think you're lonely now"
Wait a minute this is too deep (too deep)
I gotta change the station so I turn the dial
Trying to catch a break and then I hear Babyface
I only think of you and it's breaking my heart
I'm trying to keep it together but I'm falling apart

I'm feeling all out of my element
I'm throwing things, crying
Trying to figure out where the hell I went wrong
The pain reflected in this song it ain't even half of what I'm feeling inside
I need you, need you back in my life, baby
(We belong together)

When you left I lost a part of me
It's still so hard to believe
Come back baby, please
'Cause we belong together

Who else am I gonna lean on when times get rough
Who's gonna talk to me on the phone 'til the sun comes up
Who's gonna take your place there ain't nobody better
Oh, baby baby, we belong together, baby!

When you left I lost a part of me
It's still so hard to believe
Come back baby, please
'Cause we belong together

Who I'm gonna lean on when times get rough
Who's gonna talk to me 'til the sun comes up
Who's gonna take your place there ain't nobody better
Oh, baby baby, we belong together

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Work In Progress

A part of me is flooded with thoughts and they're so wild that i cant put them together !!
Another part of me is BLANK , completely clueless!
Currently trying to organize a meeting between all my alter egos towards a common ground
Hence the lack of blog updates... :(

To my wonderful 4 followers...(if you're listening) and 2 fickle fans (hiding bitches) i will be updating shortly...
If you're listening!!! I WILL BE BACK AND IT WILL BE GOOD


Thursday, February 5, 2009

My All - Song

Mariah Carey - My All (From the album: Butterfly) 1997

Spanish guitar strumming slowly, forlorn, feelings we leave behind resurface and a song brings to life emotions that we find hard to verbalize or even understand. The mood of 'My All' is that of gloom, solitude, dejection and ultimately a pleading to the one who left you this way. Rarely do we come across vocalists who can bring alive feelings to such an extent that it becomes larger than life, it goes to the point that you start relating to it in a very personal way. She sings of being alone and of unrequited love, the desperation in her velvet smooth voice is so apparent it gives you chills. She sings of sleeplessness, of drowning into this man who is no longer with her, she will risk her life for a moment of togetherness. She yearns so sincerely that the listener glides into their own personal situation, music becomes a langauge, it speaks to the listener.

'Baby can you feel me, imagining im looking in your eyes, i can see you so clearly, vividly emblazoned in my mind yet your so far like a distant star, im wishing on tonight'

Its like this endless haze, this limitless space that is solely dedicated to her disdain, to her heartbreak. She is lost somewhere in this vacuum. You imagine her lying somewhere pining, she is so human that it becomes unreal because we are forced in our everyday lives to be strong and keep it together. The soothing yet plaintive sound of the Spanish guitar tugs you to fall into her woes, some fall into their own woes. Mariah's voice so lustrously hypnotic can reduce the best among us to cave in and reminisce; do we have an unrequited love somewhere in this world? Do we spend precious moments of our lives remembering how it used to be and do we wish it were the same like it was. Do we long for what's was unfairly taken away from us?

The song builds up simultaneously with her plea, her voice reaches the stratosphere to exemplify and magnify her cravings;

I'd give my all to have just one more night with you, I'd risk my life to feel your body next to mine 'Cause I can't go on living in the memory of our song, I'd give my all for your love tonight.

The bridge is a dreamy sequence. Humming solitude never sounded so convincing.
The song closes with a very low note as if to symbolize how low she really feels.

My All is one of those classic torch ballads that we covertly find ourselves indulging in to set free feelings we force ourselves to hide from the world. So openly, unabashedly pleading for lost love vocalized by Mariah's angelic voice, it’s a perfect love ballad for those who live vicariously through music.

The video takes the emotion to another level. Directed by the visionary and legendary Herb Ritts (RIP).


Its like the quiet before a volcano erupts
Its like a silent thunderstorm
Its like oceans changing course
Its like the skies tearing apart
Its like judgement day with no decisions

Its like ice showers on snowy days
Its like being stranded with no map
Its like being straitjacketed with no voice
Its like being restrained with no defense
Its like shadows of the darkest nights
Its like the glaring sun on a dead patch

Move glaciers, you said you would
Promise joy, do you remember?
She ran away on her wedding day
She lost the battle before it began
Its like black magic in a fool's paradise

Friday, January 30, 2009


I have the weirdest thumbs on earth, theyre like weird pigeons or orthopaedically challenged reptiles of some sort. Does it ever happen to you that suddenly out of the blue you notice some random thing about yourself and its VERY ODD to you. Thereon you inadvertently begin detesting yourself, it lasts for a couple of minutes, but its strong. Sometimes you start worrying that you might just want to smash your head or dynamically ram into the nearest wall. Sometimes even a random word will sound really weird and you will find yourself saying it 10 times and then suddenly start wondering how idiotic the word really sounds. OK TRY IT, say BLING...say it ten times...feeling like a dimwit?
Told you so.

Another thing, can body suits be banned? or outfits that end up looking like body suits. Can people be politely told not to wear tight grey Lycra pants with tight grey Lycra shirts and ending up looking like beanbags!!! couple that with purple jackets that look like capes..
Is it a BIRD? Is it a plane?? NO, its a hacky sack
I'm being mean.

Reminds self of alarming body weight issue too***
Before Nit-picking others, check yourself***

Back to work

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Ramble O' The Day

The much hyped Louis Vutton ad with Madonna is out in Indian mags. I liked it at first on the net, but now that its right in front of my face i can judge it a bit more clearly. WHAT IS WITH THE WOMAN'S NECK? ITS GONE, WHERE IS THE NECK?? MARC JACOBS ARE U LISTENING?? I REPEAT WHERE IS MADONNA'S NECK?

Also her face is now more unreal than a mannequin, plastic surgery thank you!
Its like watching a wax sculpture in action

Shockingly her arms are looking normal..the weird muscle aliens inside her arms aren't protruding out anymore, relief for those not into the extra terrestrial.

LV looks good regardless...even if Madonna is now channeling the corpse look. Really what's left after 2 decades of exhausting every single look. Go on the departed look... the hard granny, sorry...hard candy look didn't really work, but its cool your allowed to make mistakes. Even if your wrestling with your self...making vaginal references..mixing religion with fornication...displaying sexual confusion and sticking to the same body suit for the last 10 years, its allowed. Your you. You can get away with anything.

Anyway the LV ad is very vintage and i openly love it..
***sticks it onto office desk board
P:S - bitch has too much flexibility for a 52 yr old...its frightening...comes to mind her terror inducing back-walking a staircase sequence in the Hung Up video (refer: youtube)
As much as i love her, i cant handle watching a 52 yr old lady pulling an exorcism/Emily Rose moment on us..Freaaaaky!

Also the melting face look is beginning to scare children away from you..that's not nice


Sudden sense of vacuum
Grip of emptiness
It's the same drum
My stomach hurts
Got a desert in my mouth

I cant find the bird, am i just an empty cage?
Instant inflow, waves rush in
Hard to understand this madness
Intelligible surrealism
Angry comprehension

Close my eyes, try to rewind
Stuck on pause
Choices like angels seem blessed if you deem them right
Move glaciers you tell yourself you can
Watch dream buildings collapse you worked to bring alive

Experience waning hope dissipate, crumble slow
Stand in a distant land yearning for the river
Old moon wont melt into the new
So far away, like a frail star, falling

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Why Even That? (Rant Pt.2)

Youth magnet/coffee lounge Mocha has come to Gurgaon, exciting for many...i joined in the excitement despite never bothering to go the GK one, back when it started i was way too scandalized by the whole gaddis on the floor with bead curtains things thing, i was taken over by a 'we cant decide whether we're boho chic or whether we're ethnic or whether we're just fucking take you for a ride' moment. A cool brothel-esque coffee bar inspired by Morocco yet can do Paris and NY too was intriguing at first, later i realized i felt shady for some reason, like a 'i shouldn't tell didi i went to mocha feeling'. Also It was too much at once for me, i couldn't deal with the high levels of puberty and hormonal hysteria bunched up in one dingy basement, trust such coffee joints to just attract 15-19 yr olds. Also it was bloody expensive, i was 19 and the thought of 150 bucks for coffee was appalling, really shocking. And then the bratty company i came in with suddenly began ordering as if we were at a fast food joint, i had to keep up with the whole image thing (at 19, its life or death) so i ordered a vanilla shake (i still remember). Fucking bitch shake was half my frigging pocket money, damn the spoilt pigs i came in with. I was surrounded by a crowd essentially of spoilt brats anyway so i watched while everyone had elaborate shakes and pastas, what coffee shop is this? its a lieee!! we the youth have been fooled, we will sell our souls for a sofa and rock music! I felt older and wiser than my years watching the youth brigade so easily sold over by such marketing ploys. The waiters with their genie hats and the disgustingly erotic bead curtains added to the ambience and it was sickeningly enamouring for the target audience. Suddenly the waiter man walks in with a hookah on a tray, WHAATTTT, a hookah on a tray??? and why is Shruti overdoing it? she is suddenly craving for attention, she wants us to believe that she owns the concept of hookah and we lesser mortals have not seen the coolness of hookahs yet, Shruti the messiah will show us, guide us to attain cool through hookah, we beg. She was obviously trying to impress a guy who came with us. Iam amazed how i remember such details but the coffee lounge goes beyond just a lounge where you get coffee, it these moments that remain with you, unfortunately. Then the entire group began sucking on the hookah and each one with this irritating nonchalance like 'back at my sainik farms villa we smoke hookahs all the time, with mom and dad, dewd'. I call it the 'Im a rich Delhi fuck' syndrome, most of us suffer from it in varying proportions. I wish i could have videotaped watching this group of 10 hogging the hookahs and then forcing out conversation while trying to name unheard rock bands just to outdo the opponent. Ugh, how did i sit around wanting a piece of this pompousness, so eagerly trying to snatch a moment of the 'he's the funky one among us' moment. I remember leaving Mocha with a promise to not go back for a long long time. Not until it opened its weird door in Gurgaon and i turned 24 of course.

Obviously now my perspectives have changed, I'm older, wiser (swear it, Iam!) and Mocha to me meant a place where we will unwind, relax and converse while having something refreshing. Aim being to leave the world behind, what best then to enter a mash of Morocco and everything else that can fit into a 3 storeyed building next to a village with killer poultry and the common rogue or two. Anyway we overlooked that and we went in cuz now it doesn't matter really, we're not pompous, we're here for the moment. Enter in and it seems the youth brigade i left behind is now taken over by a more eager and wilful community, a little too eager. HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO ENJOY THIS COFFEE if Iam worrying about this girl coming down the stairs, barely 17 having no control over her barely there skirt. Where was her mother when she left for the coffee shop...why is she dressed like such a tart. It reminded me of when i was probably surrounded by my own friends doing such attention grabbing crap, how well we outgrew that phase. I wished this girl outgrows this phase as well, also i prayed that her skirt would grow at that very moment too, she foolishly doesn't realize that we're in Gurgaon and your in the middle of a village, not really meeting safety standards by wearing that frill now are you? Anyway whats worse is that she was surrounded by a bunch of idiots for 17 yr olds with their jeans out of their control in cars that daddy got them on their 15th. Suddenly i wanted to summon the entire 15-17's in one room and brainwash them into regaining normalcy, why am i so bothered? you must wonder..its because i went through the same thing and its zilch, it ends up into NOTHING. Anyway knowing its none of my business and its their own journeys and their problem really, i decided to not care. Only to once again be reminded of how old i felt surrounded by such high levels of reeking puberty. With their entrances, their conversations and their laugh, all so absurd!!! This one little fool walked in with this major air to him followed by two chamchas of his, one starry eyed girl was seen whispering into another girl's ear and suddenly it broke into a zoo scene, just the exchanges of hello/hi were so elaborately staged. Why is pretention so important to the brigade? Why are these sweet boys and girls so insistent on staging every single aspect of their movement and interaction. OK why am i getting so worked up over a stage of life that I've left behind but its just that i feel for these people. These girls and boys seem so stupid to me. Wow I've been going on forever...let me save more for Rant Pt.3 WHICH WILL DISCUSS THE NEED FOR VOYEURISM AMONG THE YOUTH... (I'm 24..but i think my youth is now more like coerced routine)

Anyway MOTTO of the story is...GIRLS PLS REALIZE that wasting your time in a skimpy skirt meant for britney's new video and sitting on a bean bag..legs spread IS NO WAY TO SPEND YOUR LIFE even if its 'the college days'. I have nothing to say to the guys..they seem to be the most delusional of the lot, stuck in 'do u know who my dad is' mode. And to think that apparently 'rang de basanti' has changed the face of Indian youth, atleast it seems so with their overt support for such themes and such films. WOW I WENT FROM MOCHA REVIEW TO A WASTED YOUTH analysis

Friday, January 23, 2009

Ramble Pt 1

Sat - Jan 17th.

It's allowed if your having 'chai' or eating lunch and its suddenly illegal to converse with you, sometimes i might even be accused of tresspassing if i stand beside the guy in subject when an unusual amount of food is being consumed in an unusually slow manner. Further to my annoyance...DO NOT pop out that 'hanky' and start wildly wiping your face just when iam trying to explain what exactly is wrong with my phone line! Also 90% of the time your wiping nothing of your face and 90% of the time you will take 20 mins to do it. And i will just stand there like a fool, feeling like a dunce (tom and jerry dunce hat in place) when i watch you engage in profuse face wipery for no reason really. After this tomfoolery i will be met with patronizing and pretentious bouts of attentive oggling and sudden nods to yourself. And then obviously im not allowed to yell cuz i would be considered inhuman, rude and socially unfair!

Im getting a board outside my house

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Rant. Pt 1

My friend 'L' has just discussed with me a subject she considers a major predicament...its horrid when you get spoken to rudely but even worse when its by someone good looking. How ludicrous is she????? But then again i remember how i once cried at such a situation.

It got me thinking about how much leeway we can give to someone before we can ask them to get the hell out. My boundaries change every week, i wish i was decisive. Last week i was completely against hippies for some reason and now suddenly i feel the only person who will ever truly get me will be a hippie. Common minds you see, then to remember how i felt id be best suited for a hi fi penthouse dinner party with guests like andre leon talley and karl lagerfeld. Oprah can come too if she likes, but we dont do weight talk, thats jus for our personal health consultants. However currently i can just imagine myself with 3 obese cats in a dingy apartment with a dead phone line and a tv stuck on aaj tak. Anyway back to L and I and our weird arguments:

We bounced around about how looks are a momentary fad and ultimately it goes down to how well you hold your conversations and how aware you are of your surroundings. Boundary lines need to be drawn on how low your jeans can hang and how far this psuedo 'im a rapper' thing can go. Also the new wave is of nonchalance, 'we're so cool we're unaware of the fact that we're rappers', does L allow them in her life?

Who do you decide is interesting company and what charges you up? (believe me we've met guys who've proclaimed theyre Krishna reincarnates and one even swore we are in hastinapur, we were at TGIF's). I also once interacted with a man in Pushkar who vehemently tried to convince me that its 1882 and everyone's fooling us about this 'whole millenium thing', he was baffled when i informed him that its 2007. Obviously he chose to not believe me, which was comforting, strangely. I wondered if i could just ask him if he had place where i can seek refuge, id rather be with someone in a time warp and a mental disorder, id like 1882 over 2008 thank you much. Then the next minute I think Salman Rushdie is missing out on how witty iam and that im fine with 2009. I wish i could decide who gets the best of me - Arundhati Roy? Lovely Happy Hippie at Pushkar? Dementia stricken Hastinapur imagining person? WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO?

Right now im somewhere in the middle and L wants to continue discussing how VS doesnt love her enough and that gets me thinking about WHAT IS ENOUGH? he called her pretty last month and she very tragically i must say found that to be the epic moment of the new year. Its a bit sad dont you think? how can you let someone decide the future of your year, its not 1906 and we're not in China. But then again V once told me that my wondersome leg muscles will send Ian Thorpe back to the gym had me beaming for years. Obviously noone saw me embarass myself when i displayed my bare leg at a family dinner infront of 25 people, i will not forget such moments in my life when my mind went AWOL!

Tragically those legs now battle heavy obesity and climbing stairs is like spinal surgery without anaesthesia. Forget displaying them at a family do, max you'll see me on teleshopping network for some fat burning machine wherein im the 'before' and how im just not getting married and have serious confidence issues. This gives me an idea to shoot a video beforehand, just incase the teleshopping people require it someday. I wonder who the 'after' will be, i hope he doesnt embarass my future by saying something like
'ab collaij ki saari ladkiyan mere pe fida hain and mummy deddy ne toh meri shaadi bhi pakki kar dee'
Im nervous about this.

Anyhow L, oddball and most of my friends are aware of my on and off self loathe, a few think its justified. Its one thing to make fun of yourself but its another ball game when someone else does, i told her about all these ideas last night and she shockingly agreed that I'm an indecesive swine!!!. As a friend it is your duty to tell me 'No, Varun, you are not a cow, she didnt mean what she said'. "No varun, he didnt mean to assume ud have 3 big macs" id like to hear that the next time the mcdonalds guy assumes im eating for 3. How harsh!

Anyway back to finding the right fits for me. L actually believes that the hippie will leave me and run off one fine morning, Andre Leon Talley will not show up for dinner and Karl Lagerfeld will not even understand how to pronounce my name let alone attend my fancy luncheon party. Also Salman Rushdie might just attend my exclusive sunday brunch since he is as pretentious as iam. And then we can discuss the gulf war and in the same breath he can list his favorite sports illustrated babes. Ummm...i like my obese cats and lard blessed goldie hawn situation better ala death becomes her ....CANT DECIIIDEEE
L has finally concluded that its best i assume we're in hastinapur and that iam a reincarnate of the man with a pig face who could fly. We're still googling who this character is.

L, are you sure its Mahabharat? or did we see some atrocious hindi cartoon on cartoon network.

Regardless your in trouble. Oddball, your probably as usual cleverly coming up with insult ammunition that you will fire at me with evil glee. Dont worry i have sunday and monday this week to come up with retorts!! ITS WAR!

EDIT - im reading this aloud on the phone to oddball
i dont know who this was meant for.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009


My mind races faster than the speed of light
Thoughts wider than Victoria lake
Murky daze, i try to grapple and find a way
Through the blur I see your face
Smile at me, silently mock me
Run, disappear
"I dont know why I didnt come"

Your voice so pacific
Eyes warm and inviting
I want to be swept
Surrender to delve
Perenially submerge
Willingly dissipate
"I dont know why I didnt come"

The sun is breaking into two
Melting slowly
Embodying how i feel
Slow winds surround
Walking by myself
My heart is breaking
Where have you gone?

Lost in memories
Dreaded restlessness
Tears & confusion intertwined
Wishing i could fly away
Ocean calling
Yearning to drown

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

He's so unusual

Deep passion meshes well with sufferance, i have to accept that. It is a necessary component. We passionate people, hungry to learn more about ourselves will meet pain, and we will say hello and endure it, all the while ensuring that we enjoy every second. Thank you Mr. Allen!

Do you know that this pain is not a bad thing, its wonderful, its bittersweet. It's an enchanting discovery. I celebrate on a big table with white linen cloth and a huge glass of glistening red wine. We ponder over the little things that make our life amusing and interesting. We talk through this and we somehow keep it together. I'm surrounded by people, i believe they are lovely people. Through this I notice that my tears roll down diamonds falling, i have very little control over my emotions. I also notice I have such a full laugh, i like laughing, i like hearing myself laugh. I like the sound of music and i like missing old lovers listening to this sound. Nostalgia makes me, It gives me a high. My relationship with my past and with my future is so unique and its solely mine...Its what creates me. I'm driven by that. I will chase these things that make me happy and i will also scour for things that will break me, I feel human that way. As eccentric as I am, Ive found comfort and solace in my odd being. I like it now. Right now i feel like the sea..endless. I'm golden and ever flowing. :) I swear I'm not drunk writing this. This is natural intoxication and the wonderful glimmerring resolve of 'anything is possible' is an ingredient to this sunshine drug.

My friend says I'm like this because I'm an ocean of real emotion, it molds itself into an identity of its own. It sometimes moves glaciers and sometimes its silent like the quiet before a tsunami. Or maybe deeper and wider than those two. I'm larger than life.

As i write this i dream big..i love big
I live big

I see myself lying on a boat in the middle of the Mediterranean sea in 5 years. And your probably saying 'He's so unusual'

Ultimately you and I will both conclude that I'm tragically confused however I'm aware of that. I just have this unrelenting yearning to get more, to experience more of this REAL EMOTION that my friend says I'm immersed in. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT BUT I KNOW WHAT I DON'T WANT.

I'm so happy that I'm able to channel this longing without resorting to consuming the entire contents of a bottle of wine :) I guess the real emotion in me is finding expression without intoxication. Its leaping, Its coming to LIFE. Its overwhelming, its like a Spanish guitar heard in Madrid, felt under my skin.

Can i quote Sade Adu on this one?

'I'm just having a love affair with life'

Its self explanatory..with all its meanings, dimensions and repercussions.
Its all in me


Daydream, Distant, Drifting, Lovely, Hazy, Horrid, Desperate..Day

Press Play while you read, repeat if it finishes while your reading :)


Truly slow, truly distant, truly subliminal and all the other features mentioned in my title are apt enough to explain Sunday for me and maybe you as well. I could add a few more qualities in there and every Sunday i can accumulate some new ones. Sunday, the most mixed day, bittersweet...Some just sit around and wait for Monday. Some spend their entire day wondering what Monday will bring, how yellow will turn to blue. Some say screw etymology, its a day that genuinely makes you feel free, let yourself go. I remember how a couple months ago i'd consider saturday night to be the pre-dreamy day party, i'd painstakingly ensure that I let my imagination run wild and oh the pastures i saw. I kinda miss it now, sad.

The slowness of day...dim lights, curtains 7 and theivery corporation pushing me to a blissful swoon. Reaching out for my coffee mug and slowly slipping into this fervid yet painful paradise beyond any human's range. On some days Sade & Norah Jones would take over and help me transport myself to dimensions i longed to understand, feelings I was desperate to comprehend. Those moments as daunting as they may be just pass you by and your left with a memory of how it affected you and thats it, thats it! No fair! TAKE ME BACK, i say TAKE ME BACK NOW! I want to feel that sort of delirium, that sort of unbridled hysteria my desperation would embody.

I say desperation in so many different forms, so much was needed then. I used to lie on my bed and daydream of love long lost and the songs i'd play would become art. I'd see myself through them, i wished so bad to go away, maybe fly away into wherever the song goes when it ends.

Outside i'd imagine a clear day, completely unobtrusive, telling me to join him in his reality, in everyone's reality, its all plain to see really. But I insisted to myself to reside in my very own world where clear days were a seldom blessing and extremely fair-weather. I'd still grapple on some form of reality and maybe include some fantasy in it by imagining i could fly home to V. But V's home is not my home anymore and the feeble vulnerability of human need doesnt understand facts, it doesnt rationalize. Today i find it so captivating because i dont feel this way anymore yet Sunday still remains the day where i let my mind go off. Sunday, actually everyday was an exclusive day for my mind to completely wander (this wonderful madness only happens on sundays now :). The rest of the days were meant for the world to assume I fit their bill, I figure as NORMAL hence I'm allowed to play with all the others in this twisted playground - Life. Damn, it was hard then to associate myself with others, i felt i had eluded mankind in its entirety...I was this strange alien dropped off to co-exist among these so very strange things called human beings. I used to long to go back home, hide and look through crevices at strange humans and wonder why they are the way they are. And why did V become a human ultimately, i thought we were different, i thought we didnt conform. Norah Jones would sing 'I Dont Know Why I Didnt Come' and truly id feel it right through my skin.

When I saw the break of day I wished that I could fly away
Instead of kneeling in the sand
Catching teardrops in my hand
My heart is drenched in wine
But you'll be on my mind Forever

Out across the endless sea
I would die in ecstasy
But I'll be a bag of bones
Driving down the road along

This would essentially sum up how i felt for most of the day. Dreams would stream in, uninvited, only to create further resentment. Sometimes with the help of friends resentment would disguise itself into this treacherous elation. It would be this mixed concoction, the day was like a sordid yet pleasing drug. Strange, no? I would think yes today. But its a sweet memory now, how funny are emotions. One day you could be on the verge of losing faith entirely and the very next day your somebody new.

Well anyhow despite everything, sundays these days are lazy..absolutely sinfully lethargic, enough to embarass a cat. Music still takes me through varying journeys, i love each one and wait for the next with much excitement. The curtains are still drawn, the lights dim as usual and maybe a friend is found lounging on my bean bags and Sade is singing 'You Give Me The Kiss Of Life' and she can croon the entire day and I'm somewhere in this fantastic ethereal reverie.

V still creeps into my daydreams but I understand daydreams better now, I understand the need in me to recreate, fantasize, visualize and then drown in it. Leave the world behind, let your imagination run away, lose yourself to a boundless, limitless joyride. Its SUNDAY!! :)

Meanwhile listen to Sade, Sweetback, Sia & Zero 7

This song below used to be my theme in june 2008, that was a particularly heartbreaking month and this song was like a friend who understood, who would relate to me.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Delhi - 1

कृपया यहाँ पेशाब न करिए

Am I?

Am i the fire in your eye?
Am i the word on your lip?
Am i the smile in your pain?
Am i the salve on your wounds?
Am i the rain in your drought?

Am i the boy in your street?
Am i the child in your dreams?
Am i the warmth in your night?
Am i the blood in your veins?
Am i the fantasy in your reality?

Am i the light in your dark?
Am i the sign in your tattoo?
Am i the colour in your scar?
Am i the why not in your why?
Am i the make believe in your reality?
Am i the truth in your lies?
Am i?

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Where have they gone???

Sometimes it gets to the point that i lose complete interest
Sometimes i watch them and i need a gun to satisfy me

Where have they gone?
Where do they hide?
Must I be put through such excruciating tests

Sometimes i try to interact
Sometimes i search for a common ground

Its such a futile game
Its such a windy road
Might as well retreat

Where have they gone?
I ask for I'm losing on my own
I need a place to call my own
I smell sweet perfume
I taste the red wine
But its all a fantasy

Where they have GONE??????????

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Reccuring Dreams - PART 1

1. I give exams every 3 weeks in my dreams, frankly i'm frustrated now, i should be a scholar and an over achiever, i have 6 mba degrees under my belt it seems. Subconsciously i even feel the tension and the hysteria of exam time. I watch people around me and i see how these set of exams are a final make or break for me. The last one i struggle to remember was when i was told i'd be banished from the city, thrown out of my house and disgraced in society. Cruel dreams!
What gives?

2. V - You are the uninvited guest of the year, you relentlessly come in to my dreams every few days and everytime we make up in the most uncanny way, bollywood beware!

Its a total masala fest..yash chopra and sooraj barjatya and the likes will lose their jobs if i describe the detail of how epic and romantic yet crap-tastic these dreams can be. I will be the next big thing. These are scripts waiting to happen, i can watch an entire generati0n of idiots (me included) falling for this crap. The last one i somehow clearly remember was a climax situation in a petrol pump. No Alps this time people, this is reality, we make up at petrol bus birthday parties of children we dont know from adam. Its obscure, but then again thats the USP of how my dreams function. The most random by far was a picnic we went for. We went with strangers for this picnic, how apt of us, and we were perfectly happy around them. We were weirdly pally with them, to up the drama ante...i remembering running frantically away from love and love finally found an obscure picnic at qutab minar...or was it india gate? I dont want to delve too much but i think i was rescued in a very tarzan-esque kind of a way. I'm embarassed to even remember.

3. How many times will my sister slap me in my dreams? How many times will she randomly appear out of nowhere and ruin perfectly good moments with a slap. I get slapped on a weekly basis. Sometimes my masi joins in as well. For reasons unknown to me I get thrashed weekly. Sometimes on alternate days too!

4. Food. This is a cruel one, i dream of the most delicious food available to me. I see my fridge fully equipped with all the glutton in the world. Chocolates, cakes, ice creams, pastas, biryani...u name it, its there. Somehow (believe me on this) i NEVER get to eat them, EVER. Subconsciously ive told myself that i know im gonna be waking up soon and i should eat some of it before it magically chooses to disappear. Subconsciouslly ive even told myself that its really happening and not to worry, when i wake up all the food will still be there in the fridge. Somehow both situations have been dampeners...ive dreamt of getting a morsel to eat and woken up to find an empty fridge that even an anorexic would get depressed to see. Is this because my sister hides everything in a fridge upstairs. Is this an unresolved issue, do i need to see a shrink for this one? According to a close friend the therapist is just going to be like 'sweety, with the size of you it doesnt look like there's much starving going on in your life'. Sadly this particular dream will remain a mystery as well.

5. This is the famous 'where did my clothes go??' in the middle of public places. halls, exam centres, malls, childhood children's park, etc. This one needs no happens to everyone. I, however, deal with this every 3 days on an average. Believe me its not easy dealing with this especially when you know your no john abraham. Thank you very much.

6. False bravado and fantasy beyond fantasy! thats a unique quality my dreams possess. I jump from buildings with ease, i save lives and while jumping from one flyover to the other i make enough time to help the 94 yr old lady cross the road at mahipalpur. The last one i remember was me on a flying autorickshaw, proudly going above all of Delhi's mad traffic. I reached home and like other normal folk haggled with the auto guy...'pachaas rupiya yahan tak ke?, jayaz paise maang'. Its sweet and super heroic all at once. Rakesh Roshan are you reading this, i have Krrish part 4 for you.

7. My MASI. She has a main role in my dreams. She unlike V isnt a recurring character. She is a main character. Much like her punjabi self she resorts to very creative punjabi insults in my dreams. Unlike reality, she takes it up a notch in my dreams. Amost every 2 days I'm insulted on how 'pregnant' I appear to her, being a fat boy isnt easy you see. The most outrageous was when she asked me how many months i was due on a microphone at a DON BOSCO fest. Thats the school i was in till eight grade, god only knows what the hell i was doing there at 24. God might even want to answer why my masi took the stage in the first place and why the hell was I the subject once again. And what kind of a twisted Christmas fete is this?

In reality this appaulingly rude question has been asked to me as a cutesy little joke on her part. She hasnt realized that this has scarred me forever and is now a part of my dreams wherein every few days she finds unique ways to ask me 'how many months??'

8. Adventure
I dont have enough in my real life so adventure finds expression in my dreams. Ever heard of para-sailing in Nathupur? I have seen it with my eyes. I have done it, i dont know which ocean decided to change its course and flow right outside national media centre, but ive gone para sailing and enjoyed it too. Ive hunted down criminals and sorted mafia conspiracies. Ive had lunch with Janet jackson and then trapezed from one high rise to the other to meet Shibani for coffee. Once to meet Poorna i flew on a friend's back...this friend i cannot name as she will be offended to know that she was part flying animal and part human. Adventure finds new meaning in my dreams, I'm considering giving Jr. Tolkein a run for his money. I lived under the sea in one particular odd dream. Take that!!!


Monday, January 5, 2009


2008 - Turning Around

Thank you 2008 for being a year of mixed emotions...a year of extreme joy and also remorse and deep rooted pain.Regret was the theme for most of the year, but you live and learn as they say and regret brought in much needed change. Regret turns into opportunity and also the chance to break free of old chains and the chance to do it all over again glimmers. Regret is therapeutic, its necessary. Its an awakening to me, you realize you shouldn't have let things go the way they did and eventually you do it another way. Hope being the constant!

I live and learn as i type this. I refuse to let bad times cast dark shadows on the year of light! Thanks Neha for the wonderful advice as always :)

V - I miss you at times, but i will not linger, i will say sorry when you come my way this year. I intend to start all over again in terms of being more humane. Thanks for being who you are.

As for me:

I got myself a job that i'm so proud of, I kicked smoking and I quit drinking. I dont need evenings of 'letting go' to get by anymore. I dont need mercy and sympathy shoulders either. Summer was colder than the north pole but winter has brought me strength and faith and renewed optimism. You may not be there with me and you may think i'm indignant without you, but i havent been happier in years. Ive learnt that i can rise in my solitude, Ive learnt that being alone is therapeutic for me. Ive learnt to slow it down and i will cherish the day :)

A few friends said goodbye this year however it made complete sense. In life when you realize your evolving and your finding your true identity it gets plain to see that some people are just not benificial to you during this journey. Sounds a bit selfish but it goes both ways, Iam not good for you either. I hope she will understand that we both needed to grow, we both needed to go our seperate ways and we only bred stagnancy for each other. Resentment and disrespect was all around and we clawed on to memories of years gone by to keep a friendship alive. As hard as it was for me to say bye and as easy it may be for you to think that I was heartless, i do wish you well and i will love you through this. You and i will both shine in our own worlds and one day this untimely end will make complete sense. Hana, i do miss you and i love you. Keep glowing.

I could go on about what else was wrong with the year 2008 but i find it pointless. Instead i will acknowledge how wonderfully emancipating it has been as well, how ive come to terms with so many things i never dreamt i would face so steadfastly. I find myself laughing at some of weaknesses then, i find myself marvelling at how much time i wasted harbouring childish fears. But the new year brings with it so much hope and a new beginning :)

The weary world will rejoice!

2008, thank you for bringing my voice to me...
I will sing my song till i have no voice left
I will go from note to note and scale higher than before
I will sing my song


Shimmering blue

Yellow Diamonds

Soaked Skin

Magnificent Turqoise

Sanctuary i will find you

Tranquility i will come around you

Glisten, Glow


Ocean Boy

Can i come soon, Ocean boy?
Your so inviting, so captivating
Dont you know I'm weary
Can i join you, Ocean boy?
Earth has jaded me
Implicitly i trust thee, I know thee
Can i collide, can i merge within thee?
Ocean boy, answer me

Your big eyes stare right at me
It's like a world that awaits me
Im kneeling on the sand
Teardrops on my hand
Soon they will be yours
Will you let them
Ocean boy, allow me

I see dusk, the sun is dying
Twilight keeps it all a secret
The full moon waits on like a bride
I'm confused, i need to hide
I dont understand how this world works
Can i drown in thee? Can i submerge
Can i dissipate in your might
Ocean boy, rescue me

And then we can find ourselves so far away
Where the planets will watch us while we play
Noone else will know, Noone will touch
Soon everyone will forget
One day i'll be a part of you

In a distant moment in time, in another dimension
Ill be the merboy you waited for
Ocean boy, I will find your way
Ocean boy, I'm meant for thee


Ice, Tremble
Streaming Tears
Mystic Morning
Winter Song
Hazy Visions
Smiling Face
I Love You
Grip Tighter
Hold On Longer
You Disappear

I Wear It Like A Tattoo