It doesnt hurt me when its white, but its stopped being white, its colourless now. The lie thats spoken is no longer white or black. Ive just realized in my life i have some pathalogical liars who alter their realities to just suit themselves, to make it what they wish it should be. It doesnt pain me any longer nor do i feel cheated or wronged, i feel bad for the person now. Yes im hyper sensitive so it does linger with me, i keep thinking about the lie and how easily i always fall for it, never question it. Lest i should be known as insecure, inquisitive, over involved, mental..etc. The list of hurls are endless whenever ive questioned the liar of the moment. But i wonder if it really hurts me any longer and what really bothers me. What exactly pinches me when i'm lied to.
In love i noticed i was lied to on several occassions. Some big lies, some little lies. Be that as it may it always affected me, even if its the past it still provokes some anger in me. Why did V lie so much? V wasnt studying all those times, V wasnt alone all those times either. There was no harm in telling the truth, why are we so scared of being truthful. Are lies just trivial now, is it just a way to save yourself of unneccesary explanation or to avoid the repurcussions. Is it fair?
What is it about being lied to that bothers me so much? i still dont know. Is it the fact that someone i care for is being dishonest to me or is it that the person takes me so lightly that i cant know the truth or is it that im so miniscule in your life that there's no point elaborating? I remember what kate winslet said in 'Revolutionary Road', "Noone chooses truth, they just get better at lying". Such stark reality, is everyone lying to me and to themselves?
Today i called L and L just said 'Oh, im working on a project', i knew it was a lie. Sometimes you just know when your being lied to. Then i hear L's friend and i inadvertently knew i was being lied to as L got jumbled up in stupid excuses for having a friend over and suddenly everything was meaningless 'ill call you later ya, ill call you i said'. I was wondering right after the call, what was the point of lying? You dont want to converse, just say so. Why construct a random lie and belittle the person goes beyond me. It doesnt even hurt me any longer but it bothers me for sure.
It made me remember all those little times ive been lied to by people ive cared for. For no important reason ive been randomly lied to and it makes no sense to me any longer. Sometimes i want to just ask the person why they lie, but it seems futile since i'll be bombarded with taunts like how i think too much and how i imagine everyone conspiring against me.
This reminds me of this poignant line in 'in the waiting line'
"Do you believe in what you see?" "Everyone's saying different things to me"
I dont know if i believe in anything sometimes and when someone lies to me i dont believe in them ever again.
I wonder if love and lies go hand in hand? Tori amos sang very outrightly "If you love a lot you lie a lot." I guess its a catch 22!
1 comment:
hmmm..one has no choice but to agree with you. Why do people lie in situations where they clearly don't have to??! My take on this is, people who have spent their entire growing years lying...build a second world for them selves, they lie coz thats ALL they know. The line between truth and lie gts blurred...its sad but true.
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