Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Dream Pt. 1

Late at night, when noone's in sight

Lying on my bed, im floating in the sky

You slowly creep into my thoughts

It seems real, so vividly sparkling like a star

Eventually you appear, as we lay

Its a fantasy, its so surreal

You Come into my dreams

Its deeper than reality, higher than the heavens above

Its a private emotion i cant verbalize

Wandering in a placeless place

Floating like a liquid in a timeless space

Somehow from somewhere you appear

I close my eyes and we take flight

In silence you say a thousand words

You come into my dreams

So guarded from going astray

Yet you slowly melt me down

Find me in a secret place

In this purple haze i surrender

Hypnotized by your gaze

Thursday, April 23, 2009

I Never Said Goodbye

I didn’t get a chance to say bye bye
I couldn’t even believe you were gone forever
So quickly everything changed, I stood and watched
Here today and suddenly gone
There was so much to say
A life to live with you, now taken away
I was so little, I was told to be brave
They said time would heal the pain
Yet it hurts till today and no one will ever take your place
Sometimes I crumble inside to see your face, to see you smile again
Sometimes I crave to hear your voice again, to say my name
I wish we could talk, I wish we could go for a long walk
Just a moment in time

But today I see a shining star
I know you watch me everyday
Every time I pray, everywhere
Id give the world to be by your side
But your so far away, in a better place
I hold on to the memories
Smile everytime I think of you
Wish that someday I can join u
Until then this how Id say goodbye

Every night I’d pine to have you back
Lose endless tears in wait; maybe you’d come back
Look at the moon and ask why you even went away
There was no consolation, no logical explanation
Id cry till I fell asleep, morning came and everything was the same
Id imagine how it would be if you were still in the kitchen
If I could run to you everytime I fell
If I could complain to you when bullies made their way
I’d do anything to have you save my day
And comfort me while life goes on
Sometimes i miss you more than words can explain

But today I see a beam in the sky
I know your shining down on me
Everytime I hurt, everytime it pains
You touch my soul and suddenly I’m allright
I’d cross the seven seas to have you back
But you’re a sparkling light in a beautiful place
I hold on to the days we spent together
Smile everytime memories resurface
Wish that someday we can be together
Until then this how id say goodbye

Monday, April 13, 2009

The Question Behind The Lie

It doesnt hurt me when its white, but its stopped being white, its colourless now. The lie thats spoken is no longer white or black. Ive just realized in my life i have some pathalogical liars who alter their realities to just suit themselves, to make it what they wish it should be. It doesnt pain me any longer nor do i feel cheated or wronged, i feel bad for the person now. Yes im hyper sensitive so it does linger with me, i keep thinking about the lie and how easily i always fall for it, never question it. Lest i should be known as insecure, inquisitive, over involved, mental..etc. The list of hurls are endless whenever ive questioned the liar of the moment. But i wonder if it really hurts me any longer and what really bothers me. What exactly pinches me when i'm lied to.

In love i noticed i was lied to on several occassions. Some big lies, some little lies. Be that as it may it always affected me, even if its the past it still provokes some anger in me. Why did V lie so much? V wasnt studying all those times, V wasnt alone all those times either. There was no harm in telling the truth, why are we so scared of being truthful. Are lies just trivial now, is it just a way to save yourself of unneccesary explanation or to avoid the repurcussions. Is it fair?

What is it about being lied to that bothers me so much? i still dont know. Is it the fact that someone i care for is being dishonest to me or is it that the person takes me so lightly that i cant know the truth or is it that im so miniscule in your life that there's no point elaborating? I remember what kate winslet said in 'Revolutionary Road', "Noone chooses truth, they just get better at lying". Such stark reality, is everyone lying to me and to themselves?

Today i called L and L just said 'Oh, im working on a project', i knew it was a lie. Sometimes you just know when your being lied to. Then i hear L's friend and i inadvertently knew i was being lied to as L got jumbled up in stupid excuses for having a friend over and suddenly everything was meaningless 'ill call you later ya, ill call you i said'. I was wondering right after the call, what was the point of lying? You dont want to converse, just say so. Why construct a random lie and belittle the person goes beyond me. It doesnt even hurt me any longer but it bothers me for sure.

It made me remember all those little times ive been lied to by people ive cared for. For no important reason ive been randomly lied to and it makes no sense to me any longer. Sometimes i want to just ask the person why they lie, but it seems futile since i'll be bombarded with taunts like how i think too much and how i imagine everyone conspiring against me.

This reminds me of this poignant line in 'in the waiting line'
"Do you believe in what you see?" "Everyone's saying different things to me"
I dont know if i believe in anything sometimes and when someone lies to me i dont believe in them ever again.

I wonder if love and lies go hand in hand? Tori amos sang very outrightly "If you love a lot you lie a lot." I guess its a catch 22!