Friday, January 30, 2009


I have the weirdest thumbs on earth, theyre like weird pigeons or orthopaedically challenged reptiles of some sort. Does it ever happen to you that suddenly out of the blue you notice some random thing about yourself and its VERY ODD to you. Thereon you inadvertently begin detesting yourself, it lasts for a couple of minutes, but its strong. Sometimes you start worrying that you might just want to smash your head or dynamically ram into the nearest wall. Sometimes even a random word will sound really weird and you will find yourself saying it 10 times and then suddenly start wondering how idiotic the word really sounds. OK TRY IT, say BLING...say it ten times...feeling like a dimwit?
Told you so.

Another thing, can body suits be banned? or outfits that end up looking like body suits. Can people be politely told not to wear tight grey Lycra pants with tight grey Lycra shirts and ending up looking like beanbags!!! couple that with purple jackets that look like capes..
Is it a BIRD? Is it a plane?? NO, its a hacky sack
I'm being mean.

Reminds self of alarming body weight issue too***
Before Nit-picking others, check yourself***

Back to work

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Ramble O' The Day

The much hyped Louis Vutton ad with Madonna is out in Indian mags. I liked it at first on the net, but now that its right in front of my face i can judge it a bit more clearly. WHAT IS WITH THE WOMAN'S NECK? ITS GONE, WHERE IS THE NECK?? MARC JACOBS ARE U LISTENING?? I REPEAT WHERE IS MADONNA'S NECK?

Also her face is now more unreal than a mannequin, plastic surgery thank you!
Its like watching a wax sculpture in action

Shockingly her arms are looking normal..the weird muscle aliens inside her arms aren't protruding out anymore, relief for those not into the extra terrestrial.

LV looks good regardless...even if Madonna is now channeling the corpse look. Really what's left after 2 decades of exhausting every single look. Go on the departed look... the hard granny, sorry...hard candy look didn't really work, but its cool your allowed to make mistakes. Even if your wrestling with your self...making vaginal references..mixing religion with fornication...displaying sexual confusion and sticking to the same body suit for the last 10 years, its allowed. Your you. You can get away with anything.

Anyway the LV ad is very vintage and i openly love it..
***sticks it onto office desk board
P:S - bitch has too much flexibility for a 52 yr old...its frightening...comes to mind her terror inducing back-walking a staircase sequence in the Hung Up video (refer: youtube)
As much as i love her, i cant handle watching a 52 yr old lady pulling an exorcism/Emily Rose moment on us..Freaaaaky!

Also the melting face look is beginning to scare children away from you..that's not nice


Sudden sense of vacuum
Grip of emptiness
It's the same drum
My stomach hurts
Got a desert in my mouth

I cant find the bird, am i just an empty cage?
Instant inflow, waves rush in
Hard to understand this madness
Intelligible surrealism
Angry comprehension

Close my eyes, try to rewind
Stuck on pause
Choices like angels seem blessed if you deem them right
Move glaciers you tell yourself you can
Watch dream buildings collapse you worked to bring alive

Experience waning hope dissipate, crumble slow
Stand in a distant land yearning for the river
Old moon wont melt into the new
So far away, like a frail star, falling

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Why Even That? (Rant Pt.2)

Youth magnet/coffee lounge Mocha has come to Gurgaon, exciting for many...i joined in the excitement despite never bothering to go the GK one, back when it started i was way too scandalized by the whole gaddis on the floor with bead curtains things thing, i was taken over by a 'we cant decide whether we're boho chic or whether we're ethnic or whether we're just fucking take you for a ride' moment. A cool brothel-esque coffee bar inspired by Morocco yet can do Paris and NY too was intriguing at first, later i realized i felt shady for some reason, like a 'i shouldn't tell didi i went to mocha feeling'. Also It was too much at once for me, i couldn't deal with the high levels of puberty and hormonal hysteria bunched up in one dingy basement, trust such coffee joints to just attract 15-19 yr olds. Also it was bloody expensive, i was 19 and the thought of 150 bucks for coffee was appalling, really shocking. And then the bratty company i came in with suddenly began ordering as if we were at a fast food joint, i had to keep up with the whole image thing (at 19, its life or death) so i ordered a vanilla shake (i still remember). Fucking bitch shake was half my frigging pocket money, damn the spoilt pigs i came in with. I was surrounded by a crowd essentially of spoilt brats anyway so i watched while everyone had elaborate shakes and pastas, what coffee shop is this? its a lieee!! we the youth have been fooled, we will sell our souls for a sofa and rock music! I felt older and wiser than my years watching the youth brigade so easily sold over by such marketing ploys. The waiters with their genie hats and the disgustingly erotic bead curtains added to the ambience and it was sickeningly enamouring for the target audience. Suddenly the waiter man walks in with a hookah on a tray, WHAATTTT, a hookah on a tray??? and why is Shruti overdoing it? she is suddenly craving for attention, she wants us to believe that she owns the concept of hookah and we lesser mortals have not seen the coolness of hookahs yet, Shruti the messiah will show us, guide us to attain cool through hookah, we beg. She was obviously trying to impress a guy who came with us. Iam amazed how i remember such details but the coffee lounge goes beyond just a lounge where you get coffee, it these moments that remain with you, unfortunately. Then the entire group began sucking on the hookah and each one with this irritating nonchalance like 'back at my sainik farms villa we smoke hookahs all the time, with mom and dad, dewd'. I call it the 'Im a rich Delhi fuck' syndrome, most of us suffer from it in varying proportions. I wish i could have videotaped watching this group of 10 hogging the hookahs and then forcing out conversation while trying to name unheard rock bands just to outdo the opponent. Ugh, how did i sit around wanting a piece of this pompousness, so eagerly trying to snatch a moment of the 'he's the funky one among us' moment. I remember leaving Mocha with a promise to not go back for a long long time. Not until it opened its weird door in Gurgaon and i turned 24 of course.

Obviously now my perspectives have changed, I'm older, wiser (swear it, Iam!) and Mocha to me meant a place where we will unwind, relax and converse while having something refreshing. Aim being to leave the world behind, what best then to enter a mash of Morocco and everything else that can fit into a 3 storeyed building next to a village with killer poultry and the common rogue or two. Anyway we overlooked that and we went in cuz now it doesn't matter really, we're not pompous, we're here for the moment. Enter in and it seems the youth brigade i left behind is now taken over by a more eager and wilful community, a little too eager. HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO ENJOY THIS COFFEE if Iam worrying about this girl coming down the stairs, barely 17 having no control over her barely there skirt. Where was her mother when she left for the coffee shop...why is she dressed like such a tart. It reminded me of when i was probably surrounded by my own friends doing such attention grabbing crap, how well we outgrew that phase. I wished this girl outgrows this phase as well, also i prayed that her skirt would grow at that very moment too, she foolishly doesn't realize that we're in Gurgaon and your in the middle of a village, not really meeting safety standards by wearing that frill now are you? Anyway whats worse is that she was surrounded by a bunch of idiots for 17 yr olds with their jeans out of their control in cars that daddy got them on their 15th. Suddenly i wanted to summon the entire 15-17's in one room and brainwash them into regaining normalcy, why am i so bothered? you must wonder..its because i went through the same thing and its zilch, it ends up into NOTHING. Anyway knowing its none of my business and its their own journeys and their problem really, i decided to not care. Only to once again be reminded of how old i felt surrounded by such high levels of reeking puberty. With their entrances, their conversations and their laugh, all so absurd!!! This one little fool walked in with this major air to him followed by two chamchas of his, one starry eyed girl was seen whispering into another girl's ear and suddenly it broke into a zoo scene, just the exchanges of hello/hi were so elaborately staged. Why is pretention so important to the brigade? Why are these sweet boys and girls so insistent on staging every single aspect of their movement and interaction. OK why am i getting so worked up over a stage of life that I've left behind but its just that i feel for these people. These girls and boys seem so stupid to me. Wow I've been going on forever...let me save more for Rant Pt.3 WHICH WILL DISCUSS THE NEED FOR VOYEURISM AMONG THE YOUTH... (I'm 24..but i think my youth is now more like coerced routine)

Anyway MOTTO of the story is...GIRLS PLS REALIZE that wasting your time in a skimpy skirt meant for britney's new video and sitting on a bean bag..legs spread IS NO WAY TO SPEND YOUR LIFE even if its 'the college days'. I have nothing to say to the guys..they seem to be the most delusional of the lot, stuck in 'do u know who my dad is' mode. And to think that apparently 'rang de basanti' has changed the face of Indian youth, atleast it seems so with their overt support for such themes and such films. WOW I WENT FROM MOCHA REVIEW TO A WASTED YOUTH analysis

Friday, January 23, 2009

Ramble Pt 1

Sat - Jan 17th.

It's allowed if your having 'chai' or eating lunch and its suddenly illegal to converse with you, sometimes i might even be accused of tresspassing if i stand beside the guy in subject when an unusual amount of food is being consumed in an unusually slow manner. Further to my annoyance...DO NOT pop out that 'hanky' and start wildly wiping your face just when iam trying to explain what exactly is wrong with my phone line! Also 90% of the time your wiping nothing of your face and 90% of the time you will take 20 mins to do it. And i will just stand there like a fool, feeling like a dunce (tom and jerry dunce hat in place) when i watch you engage in profuse face wipery for no reason really. After this tomfoolery i will be met with patronizing and pretentious bouts of attentive oggling and sudden nods to yourself. And then obviously im not allowed to yell cuz i would be considered inhuman, rude and socially unfair!

Im getting a board outside my house

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Rant. Pt 1

My friend 'L' has just discussed with me a subject she considers a major predicament...its horrid when you get spoken to rudely but even worse when its by someone good looking. How ludicrous is she????? But then again i remember how i once cried at such a situation.

It got me thinking about how much leeway we can give to someone before we can ask them to get the hell out. My boundaries change every week, i wish i was decisive. Last week i was completely against hippies for some reason and now suddenly i feel the only person who will ever truly get me will be a hippie. Common minds you see, then to remember how i felt id be best suited for a hi fi penthouse dinner party with guests like andre leon talley and karl lagerfeld. Oprah can come too if she likes, but we dont do weight talk, thats jus for our personal health consultants. However currently i can just imagine myself with 3 obese cats in a dingy apartment with a dead phone line and a tv stuck on aaj tak. Anyway back to L and I and our weird arguments:

We bounced around about how looks are a momentary fad and ultimately it goes down to how well you hold your conversations and how aware you are of your surroundings. Boundary lines need to be drawn on how low your jeans can hang and how far this psuedo 'im a rapper' thing can go. Also the new wave is of nonchalance, 'we're so cool we're unaware of the fact that we're rappers', does L allow them in her life?

Who do you decide is interesting company and what charges you up? (believe me we've met guys who've proclaimed theyre Krishna reincarnates and one even swore we are in hastinapur, we were at TGIF's). I also once interacted with a man in Pushkar who vehemently tried to convince me that its 1882 and everyone's fooling us about this 'whole millenium thing', he was baffled when i informed him that its 2007. Obviously he chose to not believe me, which was comforting, strangely. I wondered if i could just ask him if he had place where i can seek refuge, id rather be with someone in a time warp and a mental disorder, id like 1882 over 2008 thank you much. Then the next minute I think Salman Rushdie is missing out on how witty iam and that im fine with 2009. I wish i could decide who gets the best of me - Arundhati Roy? Lovely Happy Hippie at Pushkar? Dementia stricken Hastinapur imagining person? WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO?

Right now im somewhere in the middle and L wants to continue discussing how VS doesnt love her enough and that gets me thinking about WHAT IS ENOUGH? he called her pretty last month and she very tragically i must say found that to be the epic moment of the new year. Its a bit sad dont you think? how can you let someone decide the future of your year, its not 1906 and we're not in China. But then again V once told me that my wondersome leg muscles will send Ian Thorpe back to the gym had me beaming for years. Obviously noone saw me embarass myself when i displayed my bare leg at a family dinner infront of 25 people, i will not forget such moments in my life when my mind went AWOL!

Tragically those legs now battle heavy obesity and climbing stairs is like spinal surgery without anaesthesia. Forget displaying them at a family do, max you'll see me on teleshopping network for some fat burning machine wherein im the 'before' and how im just not getting married and have serious confidence issues. This gives me an idea to shoot a video beforehand, just incase the teleshopping people require it someday. I wonder who the 'after' will be, i hope he doesnt embarass my future by saying something like
'ab collaij ki saari ladkiyan mere pe fida hain and mummy deddy ne toh meri shaadi bhi pakki kar dee'
Im nervous about this.

Anyhow L, oddball and most of my friends are aware of my on and off self loathe, a few think its justified. Its one thing to make fun of yourself but its another ball game when someone else does, i told her about all these ideas last night and she shockingly agreed that I'm an indecesive swine!!!. As a friend it is your duty to tell me 'No, Varun, you are not a cow, she didnt mean what she said'. "No varun, he didnt mean to assume ud have 3 big macs" id like to hear that the next time the mcdonalds guy assumes im eating for 3. How harsh!

Anyway back to finding the right fits for me. L actually believes that the hippie will leave me and run off one fine morning, Andre Leon Talley will not show up for dinner and Karl Lagerfeld will not even understand how to pronounce my name let alone attend my fancy luncheon party. Also Salman Rushdie might just attend my exclusive sunday brunch since he is as pretentious as iam. And then we can discuss the gulf war and in the same breath he can list his favorite sports illustrated babes. Ummm...i like my obese cats and lard blessed goldie hawn situation better ala death becomes her ....CANT DECIIIDEEE
L has finally concluded that its best i assume we're in hastinapur and that iam a reincarnate of the man with a pig face who could fly. We're still googling who this character is.

L, are you sure its Mahabharat? or did we see some atrocious hindi cartoon on cartoon network.

Regardless your in trouble. Oddball, your probably as usual cleverly coming up with insult ammunition that you will fire at me with evil glee. Dont worry i have sunday and monday this week to come up with retorts!! ITS WAR!

EDIT - im reading this aloud on the phone to oddball
i dont know who this was meant for.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009


My mind races faster than the speed of light
Thoughts wider than Victoria lake
Murky daze, i try to grapple and find a way
Through the blur I see your face
Smile at me, silently mock me
Run, disappear
"I dont know why I didnt come"

Your voice so pacific
Eyes warm and inviting
I want to be swept
Surrender to delve
Perenially submerge
Willingly dissipate
"I dont know why I didnt come"

The sun is breaking into two
Melting slowly
Embodying how i feel
Slow winds surround
Walking by myself
My heart is breaking
Where have you gone?

Lost in memories
Dreaded restlessness
Tears & confusion intertwined
Wishing i could fly away
Ocean calling
Yearning to drown

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

He's so unusual

Deep passion meshes well with sufferance, i have to accept that. It is a necessary component. We passionate people, hungry to learn more about ourselves will meet pain, and we will say hello and endure it, all the while ensuring that we enjoy every second. Thank you Mr. Allen!

Do you know that this pain is not a bad thing, its wonderful, its bittersweet. It's an enchanting discovery. I celebrate on a big table with white linen cloth and a huge glass of glistening red wine. We ponder over the little things that make our life amusing and interesting. We talk through this and we somehow keep it together. I'm surrounded by people, i believe they are lovely people. Through this I notice that my tears roll down diamonds falling, i have very little control over my emotions. I also notice I have such a full laugh, i like laughing, i like hearing myself laugh. I like the sound of music and i like missing old lovers listening to this sound. Nostalgia makes me, It gives me a high. My relationship with my past and with my future is so unique and its solely mine...Its what creates me. I'm driven by that. I will chase these things that make me happy and i will also scour for things that will break me, I feel human that way. As eccentric as I am, Ive found comfort and solace in my odd being. I like it now. Right now i feel like the sea..endless. I'm golden and ever flowing. :) I swear I'm not drunk writing this. This is natural intoxication and the wonderful glimmerring resolve of 'anything is possible' is an ingredient to this sunshine drug.

My friend says I'm like this because I'm an ocean of real emotion, it molds itself into an identity of its own. It sometimes moves glaciers and sometimes its silent like the quiet before a tsunami. Or maybe deeper and wider than those two. I'm larger than life.

As i write this i dream big..i love big
I live big

I see myself lying on a boat in the middle of the Mediterranean sea in 5 years. And your probably saying 'He's so unusual'

Ultimately you and I will both conclude that I'm tragically confused however I'm aware of that. I just have this unrelenting yearning to get more, to experience more of this REAL EMOTION that my friend says I'm immersed in. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT BUT I KNOW WHAT I DON'T WANT.

I'm so happy that I'm able to channel this longing without resorting to consuming the entire contents of a bottle of wine :) I guess the real emotion in me is finding expression without intoxication. Its leaping, Its coming to LIFE. Its overwhelming, its like a Spanish guitar heard in Madrid, felt under my skin.

Can i quote Sade Adu on this one?

'I'm just having a love affair with life'

Its self explanatory..with all its meanings, dimensions and repercussions.
Its all in me


Daydream, Distant, Drifting, Lovely, Hazy, Horrid, Desperate..Day

Press Play while you read, repeat if it finishes while your reading :)


Truly slow, truly distant, truly subliminal and all the other features mentioned in my title are apt enough to explain Sunday for me and maybe you as well. I could add a few more qualities in there and every Sunday i can accumulate some new ones. Sunday, the most mixed day, bittersweet...Some just sit around and wait for Monday. Some spend their entire day wondering what Monday will bring, how yellow will turn to blue. Some say screw etymology, its a day that genuinely makes you feel free, let yourself go. I remember how a couple months ago i'd consider saturday night to be the pre-dreamy day party, i'd painstakingly ensure that I let my imagination run wild and oh the pastures i saw. I kinda miss it now, sad.

The slowness of day...dim lights, curtains 7 and theivery corporation pushing me to a blissful swoon. Reaching out for my coffee mug and slowly slipping into this fervid yet painful paradise beyond any human's range. On some days Sade & Norah Jones would take over and help me transport myself to dimensions i longed to understand, feelings I was desperate to comprehend. Those moments as daunting as they may be just pass you by and your left with a memory of how it affected you and thats it, thats it! No fair! TAKE ME BACK, i say TAKE ME BACK NOW! I want to feel that sort of delirium, that sort of unbridled hysteria my desperation would embody.

I say desperation in so many different forms, so much was needed then. I used to lie on my bed and daydream of love long lost and the songs i'd play would become art. I'd see myself through them, i wished so bad to go away, maybe fly away into wherever the song goes when it ends.

Outside i'd imagine a clear day, completely unobtrusive, telling me to join him in his reality, in everyone's reality, its all plain to see really. But I insisted to myself to reside in my very own world where clear days were a seldom blessing and extremely fair-weather. I'd still grapple on some form of reality and maybe include some fantasy in it by imagining i could fly home to V. But V's home is not my home anymore and the feeble vulnerability of human need doesnt understand facts, it doesnt rationalize. Today i find it so captivating because i dont feel this way anymore yet Sunday still remains the day where i let my mind go off. Sunday, actually everyday was an exclusive day for my mind to completely wander (this wonderful madness only happens on sundays now :). The rest of the days were meant for the world to assume I fit their bill, I figure as NORMAL hence I'm allowed to play with all the others in this twisted playground - Life. Damn, it was hard then to associate myself with others, i felt i had eluded mankind in its entirety...I was this strange alien dropped off to co-exist among these so very strange things called human beings. I used to long to go back home, hide and look through crevices at strange humans and wonder why they are the way they are. And why did V become a human ultimately, i thought we were different, i thought we didnt conform. Norah Jones would sing 'I Dont Know Why I Didnt Come' and truly id feel it right through my skin.

When I saw the break of day I wished that I could fly away
Instead of kneeling in the sand
Catching teardrops in my hand
My heart is drenched in wine
But you'll be on my mind Forever

Out across the endless sea
I would die in ecstasy
But I'll be a bag of bones
Driving down the road along

This would essentially sum up how i felt for most of the day. Dreams would stream in, uninvited, only to create further resentment. Sometimes with the help of friends resentment would disguise itself into this treacherous elation. It would be this mixed concoction, the day was like a sordid yet pleasing drug. Strange, no? I would think yes today. But its a sweet memory now, how funny are emotions. One day you could be on the verge of losing faith entirely and the very next day your somebody new.

Well anyhow despite everything, sundays these days are lazy..absolutely sinfully lethargic, enough to embarass a cat. Music still takes me through varying journeys, i love each one and wait for the next with much excitement. The curtains are still drawn, the lights dim as usual and maybe a friend is found lounging on my bean bags and Sade is singing 'You Give Me The Kiss Of Life' and she can croon the entire day and I'm somewhere in this fantastic ethereal reverie.

V still creeps into my daydreams but I understand daydreams better now, I understand the need in me to recreate, fantasize, visualize and then drown in it. Leave the world behind, let your imagination run away, lose yourself to a boundless, limitless joyride. Its SUNDAY!! :)

Meanwhile listen to Sade, Sweetback, Sia & Zero 7

This song below used to be my theme in june 2008, that was a particularly heartbreaking month and this song was like a friend who understood, who would relate to me.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Delhi - 1

कृपया यहाँ पेशाब न करिए

Am I?

Am i the fire in your eye?
Am i the word on your lip?
Am i the smile in your pain?
Am i the salve on your wounds?
Am i the rain in your drought?

Am i the boy in your street?
Am i the child in your dreams?
Am i the warmth in your night?
Am i the blood in your veins?
Am i the fantasy in your reality?

Am i the light in your dark?
Am i the sign in your tattoo?
Am i the colour in your scar?
Am i the why not in your why?
Am i the make believe in your reality?
Am i the truth in your lies?
Am i?

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Where have they gone???

Sometimes it gets to the point that i lose complete interest
Sometimes i watch them and i need a gun to satisfy me

Where have they gone?
Where do they hide?
Must I be put through such excruciating tests

Sometimes i try to interact
Sometimes i search for a common ground

Its such a futile game
Its such a windy road
Might as well retreat

Where have they gone?
I ask for I'm losing on my own
I need a place to call my own
I smell sweet perfume
I taste the red wine
But its all a fantasy

Where they have GONE??????????

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Reccuring Dreams - PART 1

1. I give exams every 3 weeks in my dreams, frankly i'm frustrated now, i should be a scholar and an over achiever, i have 6 mba degrees under my belt it seems. Subconsciously i even feel the tension and the hysteria of exam time. I watch people around me and i see how these set of exams are a final make or break for me. The last one i struggle to remember was when i was told i'd be banished from the city, thrown out of my house and disgraced in society. Cruel dreams!
What gives?

2. V - You are the uninvited guest of the year, you relentlessly come in to my dreams every few days and everytime we make up in the most uncanny way, bollywood beware!

Its a total masala fest..yash chopra and sooraj barjatya and the likes will lose their jobs if i describe the detail of how epic and romantic yet crap-tastic these dreams can be. I will be the next big thing. These are scripts waiting to happen, i can watch an entire generati0n of idiots (me included) falling for this crap. The last one i somehow clearly remember was a climax situation in a petrol pump. No Alps this time people, this is reality, we make up at petrol bus birthday parties of children we dont know from adam. Its obscure, but then again thats the USP of how my dreams function. The most random by far was a picnic we went for. We went with strangers for this picnic, how apt of us, and we were perfectly happy around them. We were weirdly pally with them, to up the drama ante...i remembering running frantically away from love and love finally found an obscure picnic at qutab minar...or was it india gate? I dont want to delve too much but i think i was rescued in a very tarzan-esque kind of a way. I'm embarassed to even remember.

3. How many times will my sister slap me in my dreams? How many times will she randomly appear out of nowhere and ruin perfectly good moments with a slap. I get slapped on a weekly basis. Sometimes my masi joins in as well. For reasons unknown to me I get thrashed weekly. Sometimes on alternate days too!

4. Food. This is a cruel one, i dream of the most delicious food available to me. I see my fridge fully equipped with all the glutton in the world. Chocolates, cakes, ice creams, pastas, biryani...u name it, its there. Somehow (believe me on this) i NEVER get to eat them, EVER. Subconsciously ive told myself that i know im gonna be waking up soon and i should eat some of it before it magically chooses to disappear. Subconsciouslly ive even told myself that its really happening and not to worry, when i wake up all the food will still be there in the fridge. Somehow both situations have been dampeners...ive dreamt of getting a morsel to eat and woken up to find an empty fridge that even an anorexic would get depressed to see. Is this because my sister hides everything in a fridge upstairs. Is this an unresolved issue, do i need to see a shrink for this one? According to a close friend the therapist is just going to be like 'sweety, with the size of you it doesnt look like there's much starving going on in your life'. Sadly this particular dream will remain a mystery as well.

5. This is the famous 'where did my clothes go??' in the middle of public places. halls, exam centres, malls, childhood children's park, etc. This one needs no happens to everyone. I, however, deal with this every 3 days on an average. Believe me its not easy dealing with this especially when you know your no john abraham. Thank you very much.

6. False bravado and fantasy beyond fantasy! thats a unique quality my dreams possess. I jump from buildings with ease, i save lives and while jumping from one flyover to the other i make enough time to help the 94 yr old lady cross the road at mahipalpur. The last one i remember was me on a flying autorickshaw, proudly going above all of Delhi's mad traffic. I reached home and like other normal folk haggled with the auto guy...'pachaas rupiya yahan tak ke?, jayaz paise maang'. Its sweet and super heroic all at once. Rakesh Roshan are you reading this, i have Krrish part 4 for you.

7. My MASI. She has a main role in my dreams. She unlike V isnt a recurring character. She is a main character. Much like her punjabi self she resorts to very creative punjabi insults in my dreams. Unlike reality, she takes it up a notch in my dreams. Amost every 2 days I'm insulted on how 'pregnant' I appear to her, being a fat boy isnt easy you see. The most outrageous was when she asked me how many months i was due on a microphone at a DON BOSCO fest. Thats the school i was in till eight grade, god only knows what the hell i was doing there at 24. God might even want to answer why my masi took the stage in the first place and why the hell was I the subject once again. And what kind of a twisted Christmas fete is this?

In reality this appaulingly rude question has been asked to me as a cutesy little joke on her part. She hasnt realized that this has scarred me forever and is now a part of my dreams wherein every few days she finds unique ways to ask me 'how many months??'

8. Adventure
I dont have enough in my real life so adventure finds expression in my dreams. Ever heard of para-sailing in Nathupur? I have seen it with my eyes. I have done it, i dont know which ocean decided to change its course and flow right outside national media centre, but ive gone para sailing and enjoyed it too. Ive hunted down criminals and sorted mafia conspiracies. Ive had lunch with Janet jackson and then trapezed from one high rise to the other to meet Shibani for coffee. Once to meet Poorna i flew on a friend's back...this friend i cannot name as she will be offended to know that she was part flying animal and part human. Adventure finds new meaning in my dreams, I'm considering giving Jr. Tolkein a run for his money. I lived under the sea in one particular odd dream. Take that!!!


Monday, January 5, 2009


2008 - Turning Around

Thank you 2008 for being a year of mixed emotions...a year of extreme joy and also remorse and deep rooted pain.Regret was the theme for most of the year, but you live and learn as they say and regret brought in much needed change. Regret turns into opportunity and also the chance to break free of old chains and the chance to do it all over again glimmers. Regret is therapeutic, its necessary. Its an awakening to me, you realize you shouldn't have let things go the way they did and eventually you do it another way. Hope being the constant!

I live and learn as i type this. I refuse to let bad times cast dark shadows on the year of light! Thanks Neha for the wonderful advice as always :)

V - I miss you at times, but i will not linger, i will say sorry when you come my way this year. I intend to start all over again in terms of being more humane. Thanks for being who you are.

As for me:

I got myself a job that i'm so proud of, I kicked smoking and I quit drinking. I dont need evenings of 'letting go' to get by anymore. I dont need mercy and sympathy shoulders either. Summer was colder than the north pole but winter has brought me strength and faith and renewed optimism. You may not be there with me and you may think i'm indignant without you, but i havent been happier in years. Ive learnt that i can rise in my solitude, Ive learnt that being alone is therapeutic for me. Ive learnt to slow it down and i will cherish the day :)

A few friends said goodbye this year however it made complete sense. In life when you realize your evolving and your finding your true identity it gets plain to see that some people are just not benificial to you during this journey. Sounds a bit selfish but it goes both ways, Iam not good for you either. I hope she will understand that we both needed to grow, we both needed to go our seperate ways and we only bred stagnancy for each other. Resentment and disrespect was all around and we clawed on to memories of years gone by to keep a friendship alive. As hard as it was for me to say bye and as easy it may be for you to think that I was heartless, i do wish you well and i will love you through this. You and i will both shine in our own worlds and one day this untimely end will make complete sense. Hana, i do miss you and i love you. Keep glowing.

I could go on about what else was wrong with the year 2008 but i find it pointless. Instead i will acknowledge how wonderfully emancipating it has been as well, how ive come to terms with so many things i never dreamt i would face so steadfastly. I find myself laughing at some of weaknesses then, i find myself marvelling at how much time i wasted harbouring childish fears. But the new year brings with it so much hope and a new beginning :)

The weary world will rejoice!

2008, thank you for bringing my voice to me...
I will sing my song till i have no voice left
I will go from note to note and scale higher than before
I will sing my song


Shimmering blue

Yellow Diamonds

Soaked Skin

Magnificent Turqoise

Sanctuary i will find you

Tranquility i will come around you

Glisten, Glow


Ocean Boy

Can i come soon, Ocean boy?
Your so inviting, so captivating
Dont you know I'm weary
Can i join you, Ocean boy?
Earth has jaded me
Implicitly i trust thee, I know thee
Can i collide, can i merge within thee?
Ocean boy, answer me

Your big eyes stare right at me
It's like a world that awaits me
Im kneeling on the sand
Teardrops on my hand
Soon they will be yours
Will you let them
Ocean boy, allow me

I see dusk, the sun is dying
Twilight keeps it all a secret
The full moon waits on like a bride
I'm confused, i need to hide
I dont understand how this world works
Can i drown in thee? Can i submerge
Can i dissipate in your might
Ocean boy, rescue me

And then we can find ourselves so far away
Where the planets will watch us while we play
Noone else will know, Noone will touch
Soon everyone will forget
One day i'll be a part of you

In a distant moment in time, in another dimension
Ill be the merboy you waited for
Ocean boy, I will find your way
Ocean boy, I'm meant for thee


Ice, Tremble
Streaming Tears
Mystic Morning
Winter Song
Hazy Visions
Smiling Face
I Love You
Grip Tighter
Hold On Longer
You Disappear

I Wear It Like A Tattoo