Rant. Pt 1

My friend 'L' has just discussed with me a subject she considers a major predicament...its horrid when you get spoken to rudely but even worse when its by someone good looking. How ludicrous is she????? But then again i remember how i once cried at such a situation.

It got me thinking about how much leeway we can give to someone before we can ask them to get the hell out. My boundaries change every week, i wish i was decisive. Last week i was completely against hippies for some reason and now suddenly i feel the only person who will ever truly get me will be a hippie. Common minds you see, then to remember how i felt id be best suited for a hi fi penthouse dinner party with guests like andre leon talley and karl lagerfeld. Oprah can come too if she likes, but we dont do weight talk, thats jus for our personal health consultants. However currently i can just imagine myself with 3 obese cats in a dingy apartment with a dead phone line and a tv stuck on aaj tak. Anyway back to L and I and our weird arguments:

We bounced around about how looks are a momentary fad and ultimately it goes down to how well you hold your conversations and how aware you are of your surroundings. Boundary lines need to be drawn on how low your jeans can hang and how far this psuedo 'im a rapper' thing can go. Also the new wave is of nonchalance, 'we're so cool we're unaware of the fact that we're rappers', does L allow them in her life?

Who do you decide is interesting company and what charges you up? (believe me we've met guys who've proclaimed theyre Krishna reincarnates and one even swore we are in hastinapur, we were at TGIF's). I also once interacted with a man in Pushkar who vehemently tried to convince me that its 1882 and everyone's fooling us about this 'whole millenium thing', he was baffled when i informed him that its 2007. Obviously he chose to not believe me, which was comforting, strangely. I wondered if i could just ask him if he had place where i can seek refuge, id rather be with someone in a time warp and a mental disorder, id like 1882 over 2008 thank you much. Then the next minute I think Salman Rushdie is missing out on how witty iam and that im fine with 2009. I wish i could decide who gets the best of me - Arundhati Roy? Lovely Happy Hippie at Pushkar? Dementia stricken Hastinapur imagining person? WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO?

Right now im somewhere in the middle and L wants to continue discussing how VS doesnt love her enough and that gets me thinking about WHAT IS ENOUGH? he called her pretty last month and she very tragically i must say found that to be the epic moment of the new year. Its a bit sad dont you think? how can you let someone decide the future of your year, its not 1906 and we're not in China. But then again V once told me that my wondersome leg muscles will send Ian Thorpe back to the gym had me beaming for years. Obviously noone saw me embarass myself when i displayed my bare leg at a family dinner infront of 25 people, i will not forget such moments in my life when my mind went AWOL!

Tragically those legs now battle heavy obesity and climbing stairs is like spinal surgery without anaesthesia. Forget displaying them at a family do, max you'll see me on teleshopping network for some fat burning machine wherein im the 'before' and how im just not getting married and have serious confidence issues. This gives me an idea to shoot a video beforehand, just incase the teleshopping people require it someday. I wonder who the 'after' will be, i hope he doesnt embarass my future by saying something like
'ab collaij ki saari ladkiyan mere pe fida hain and mummy deddy ne toh meri shaadi bhi pakki kar dee'
Im nervous about this.

Anyhow L, oddball and most of my friends are aware of my on and off self loathe, a few think its justified. Its one thing to make fun of yourself but its another ball game when someone else does, i told her about all these ideas last night and she shockingly agreed that I'm an indecesive swine!!!. As a friend it is your duty to tell me 'No, Varun, you are not a cow, she didnt mean what she said'. "No varun, he didnt mean to assume ud have 3 big macs" id like to hear that the next time the mcdonalds guy assumes im eating for 3. How harsh!

Anyway back to finding the right fits for me. L actually believes that the hippie will leave me and run off one fine morning, Andre Leon Talley will not show up for dinner and Karl Lagerfeld will not even understand how to pronounce my name let alone attend my fancy luncheon party. Also Salman Rushdie might just attend my exclusive sunday brunch since he is as pretentious as iam. And then we can discuss the gulf war and in the same breath he can list his favorite sports illustrated babes. Ummm...i like my obese cats and lard blessed goldie hawn situation better ala death becomes her ....CANT DECIIIDEEE
L has finally concluded that its best i assume we're in hastinapur and that iam a reincarnate of the man with a pig face who could fly. We're still googling who this character is.

L, are you sure its Mahabharat? or did we see some atrocious hindi cartoon on cartoon network.

Regardless your in trouble. Oddball, your probably as usual cleverly coming up with insult ammunition that you will fire at me with evil glee. Dont worry i have sunday and monday this week to come up with retorts!! ITS WAR!

EDIT - im reading this aloud on the phone to oddball
she jus went 'THIS IS HOW THE GAS GETS WASTED'
i dont know who this was meant for.