Late at night, when noone's in sight
Lying on my bed, im floating in the sky
You slowly creep into my thoughts
It seems real, so vividly sparkling like a star
Eventually you appear, as we lay
Its a fantasy, its so surreal
You Come into my dreams
Its deeper than reality, higher than the heavens above
Its a private emotion i cant verbalize
Wandering in a placeless place
Floating like a liquid in a timeless space
Somehow from somewhere you appear
I close my eyes and we take flight
In silence you say a thousand words
You come into my dreams
So guarded from going astray
Yet you slowly melt me down
Find me in a secret place
In this purple haze i surrender
Hypnotized by your gaze
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Thursday, April 23, 2009
I Never Said Goodbye
I didn’t get a chance to say bye bye
I couldn’t even believe you were gone forever
So quickly everything changed, I stood and watched
Here today and suddenly gone
There was so much to say
A life to live with you, now taken away
I was so little, I was told to be brave
They said time would heal the pain
Yet it hurts till today and no one will ever take your place
Sometimes I crumble inside to see your face, to see you smile again
Sometimes I crave to hear your voice again, to say my name
I wish we could talk, I wish we could go for a long walk
Just a moment in time
But today I see a shining star
I know you watch me everyday
Every time I pray, everywhere
Id give the world to be by your side
But your so far away, in a better place
I hold on to the memories
Smile everytime I think of you
Wish that someday I can join u
Until then this how Id say goodbye
Every night I’d pine to have you back
Lose endless tears in wait; maybe you’d come back
Look at the moon and ask why you even went away
There was no consolation, no logical explanation
Id cry till I fell asleep, morning came and everything was the same
Id imagine how it would be if you were still in the kitchen
If I could run to you everytime I fell
If I could complain to you when bullies made their way
I’d do anything to have you save my day
And comfort me while life goes on
Sometimes i miss you more than words can explain
But today I see a beam in the sky
I know your shining down on me
Everytime I hurt, everytime it pains
You touch my soul and suddenly I’m allright
I’d cross the seven seas to have you back
But you’re a sparkling light in a beautiful place
I hold on to the days we spent together
Smile everytime memories resurface
Wish that someday we can be together
Until then this how id say goodbye
I couldn’t even believe you were gone forever
So quickly everything changed, I stood and watched
Here today and suddenly gone
There was so much to say
A life to live with you, now taken away
I was so little, I was told to be brave
They said time would heal the pain
Yet it hurts till today and no one will ever take your place
Sometimes I crumble inside to see your face, to see you smile again
Sometimes I crave to hear your voice again, to say my name
I wish we could talk, I wish we could go for a long walk
Just a moment in time
But today I see a shining star
I know you watch me everyday
Every time I pray, everywhere
Id give the world to be by your side
But your so far away, in a better place
I hold on to the memories
Smile everytime I think of you
Wish that someday I can join u
Until then this how Id say goodbye
Every night I’d pine to have you back
Lose endless tears in wait; maybe you’d come back
Look at the moon and ask why you even went away
There was no consolation, no logical explanation
Id cry till I fell asleep, morning came and everything was the same
Id imagine how it would be if you were still in the kitchen
If I could run to you everytime I fell
If I could complain to you when bullies made their way
I’d do anything to have you save my day
And comfort me while life goes on
Sometimes i miss you more than words can explain
But today I see a beam in the sky
I know your shining down on me
Everytime I hurt, everytime it pains
You touch my soul and suddenly I’m allright
I’d cross the seven seas to have you back
But you’re a sparkling light in a beautiful place
I hold on to the days we spent together
Smile everytime memories resurface
Wish that someday we can be together
Until then this how id say goodbye
Monday, April 13, 2009
The Question Behind The Lie
It doesnt hurt me when its white, but its stopped being white, its colourless now. The lie thats spoken is no longer white or black. Ive just realized in my life i have some pathalogical liars who alter their realities to just suit themselves, to make it what they wish it should be. It doesnt pain me any longer nor do i feel cheated or wronged, i feel bad for the person now. Yes im hyper sensitive so it does linger with me, i keep thinking about the lie and how easily i always fall for it, never question it. Lest i should be known as insecure, inquisitive, over involved, mental..etc. The list of hurls are endless whenever ive questioned the liar of the moment. But i wonder if it really hurts me any longer and what really bothers me. What exactly pinches me when i'm lied to.
In love i noticed i was lied to on several occassions. Some big lies, some little lies. Be that as it may it always affected me, even if its the past it still provokes some anger in me. Why did V lie so much? V wasnt studying all those times, V wasnt alone all those times either. There was no harm in telling the truth, why are we so scared of being truthful. Are lies just trivial now, is it just a way to save yourself of unneccesary explanation or to avoid the repurcussions. Is it fair?
What is it about being lied to that bothers me so much? i still dont know. Is it the fact that someone i care for is being dishonest to me or is it that the person takes me so lightly that i cant know the truth or is it that im so miniscule in your life that there's no point elaborating? I remember what kate winslet said in 'Revolutionary Road', "Noone chooses truth, they just get better at lying". Such stark reality, is everyone lying to me and to themselves?
Today i called L and L just said 'Oh, im working on a project', i knew it was a lie. Sometimes you just know when your being lied to. Then i hear L's friend and i inadvertently knew i was being lied to as L got jumbled up in stupid excuses for having a friend over and suddenly everything was meaningless 'ill call you later ya, ill call you i said'. I was wondering right after the call, what was the point of lying? You dont want to converse, just say so. Why construct a random lie and belittle the person goes beyond me. It doesnt even hurt me any longer but it bothers me for sure.
It made me remember all those little times ive been lied to by people ive cared for. For no important reason ive been randomly lied to and it makes no sense to me any longer. Sometimes i want to just ask the person why they lie, but it seems futile since i'll be bombarded with taunts like how i think too much and how i imagine everyone conspiring against me.
This reminds me of this poignant line in 'in the waiting line'
"Do you believe in what you see?" "Everyone's saying different things to me"
I dont know if i believe in anything sometimes and when someone lies to me i dont believe in them ever again.
I wonder if love and lies go hand in hand? Tori amos sang very outrightly "If you love a lot you lie a lot." I guess its a catch 22!
In love i noticed i was lied to on several occassions. Some big lies, some little lies. Be that as it may it always affected me, even if its the past it still provokes some anger in me. Why did V lie so much? V wasnt studying all those times, V wasnt alone all those times either. There was no harm in telling the truth, why are we so scared of being truthful. Are lies just trivial now, is it just a way to save yourself of unneccesary explanation or to avoid the repurcussions. Is it fair?
What is it about being lied to that bothers me so much? i still dont know. Is it the fact that someone i care for is being dishonest to me or is it that the person takes me so lightly that i cant know the truth or is it that im so miniscule in your life that there's no point elaborating? I remember what kate winslet said in 'Revolutionary Road', "Noone chooses truth, they just get better at lying". Such stark reality, is everyone lying to me and to themselves?
Today i called L and L just said 'Oh, im working on a project', i knew it was a lie. Sometimes you just know when your being lied to. Then i hear L's friend and i inadvertently knew i was being lied to as L got jumbled up in stupid excuses for having a friend over and suddenly everything was meaningless 'ill call you later ya, ill call you i said'. I was wondering right after the call, what was the point of lying? You dont want to converse, just say so. Why construct a random lie and belittle the person goes beyond me. It doesnt even hurt me any longer but it bothers me for sure.
It made me remember all those little times ive been lied to by people ive cared for. For no important reason ive been randomly lied to and it makes no sense to me any longer. Sometimes i want to just ask the person why they lie, but it seems futile since i'll be bombarded with taunts like how i think too much and how i imagine everyone conspiring against me.
This reminds me of this poignant line in 'in the waiting line'
"Do you believe in what you see?" "Everyone's saying different things to me"
I dont know if i believe in anything sometimes and when someone lies to me i dont believe in them ever again.
I wonder if love and lies go hand in hand? Tori amos sang very outrightly "If you love a lot you lie a lot." I guess its a catch 22!
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Annie's Song.
Walking on air, fervor has set in
Now my life has changed
Smiling and watching it spread out
Yearning and then understanding
Comprehending and then visualizing
There's a reason why Freddy is in my life
There's a plan behind all of this
Going along in this journey called Life
Its not going to be easy for Freddy is now in my life
Sacrificing and compromising because he loves me
Somewhere deep inside he does really love me
Language and action we have transcended
Something in his eyes shows he really needs me
There's nothing to say, i hear voices inside him
Freddy, I will stand right here
Maybe someday you will realize
Frightened that you may never understand
But through it all I will be here
Now my life has changed
Smiling and watching it spread out
Yearning and then understanding
Comprehending and then visualizing
There's a reason why Freddy is in my life
There's a plan behind all of this
Going along in this journey called Life
Its not going to be easy for Freddy is now in my life
Sacrificing and compromising because he loves me
Somewhere deep inside he does really love me
Language and action we have transcended
Something in his eyes shows he really needs me
There's nothing to say, i hear voices inside him
Freddy, I will stand right here
Maybe someday you will realize
Frightened that you may never understand
But through it all I will be here
I Tried To Save You Freddy - Chapter 1
**He loved AIR, he had put it on really loud so he could block out Annie's constant jargon**
'Freddy promise me, not today' she pleaded. Annie was persistent, usually very easy and laid back, she swore to herself today, no more trips for Freddy. But in front of Freddy, she was somebody else. Freddy was in another time and space it seemed, he didn't bother. 'Language symboliqueeeee', he sang out loud, his laughter echoed towards the four corners of his dimly lit den. He danced slowly, somewhere in his hysterical and now uncontrollable mind he was sure that Annie would love him through this. He kept on, changed the records a few times, swallowed all the green liquer he had stolen from his aunt's place. He continued dancing slow, he was mumbling all sorts of words that neither he or Annie would understand. He kept right on, maybe this was his way of showing Annie that he hadnt lost himself to his trip, that he still had it together. Behind all the hysteria, something had affirmatively convinced Freddy he had a reason to be this way, now nothing can stop him. He bent towards Annie to pick up the tiny joint he had made and began singing a song that Annie could'nt recognize. He had begun to go over Annie's head. Slowly she would realize that she was losing him.
Annie watched, failing herself, tears began streaming down her mysterious face. She couldnt watch Freddy doing this to himself, how could Freddy give in again, what gave him in? she pondered. One Two Three Four and Five, she swallowed every single pill left in the green bottle that Batacuda gave them. Batacuda wasnt to be trusted and Annie knew this rather well, yet she watched herself drown for she couldnt save Freddy. Freddy, the boy she relentlessly ran for, she would cross the nile for him she once announced, she would have his baby even, that's what she told Freddy's mother once. Obviously over the years Freddy's mother withdrew from his life, he had no space left for her in his life. Through the maelstrum of thoughts, Annie questioned whether Freddy had burnt the space he had for her in his heart. Did he even have a heart left, she cried to herself. Freddy just stood there and laughed at her, 'stop crying you fucking skank', he pushed her towards the wall. She inadvertently realized that this was Freddy's way of making Annie feel home despite the unwelcomed attitude of Freddy's trips. Annie knew very well that she was just another stranger to Freddy now. The pills started working their magic, Annie slowly fell into a sleep that she believed would wake her into oblivion. No more memories of the previous night. Annie was hyper optimistic and the pills were to be blamed, she thought to herself about how tomorrow she would tell Freddy to choose between the haze and companionship. She thought it would be ever so easy to get Freddy to talk. But tomorrow would have its own agenda. She was freezing cold, trembling, Freddy was lying on the floor right near the entrance to his den. Her eyes flickering, struggling to open somehow through the teary blur and drugged half sleep. She reminded herself of Freddy, the boy cant obviously sleep on the floor she thought, among the million thoughts that were jumbling up in her head. 'Freddy get up, get up you bastard, we have class tomorrow, Freddy please, i love you, get up' she cried, Freddy just lay there. The screaming turned into an old fashioned that plaintively lowered its volume ever so slowly until it was over and only a scratched sound remained.
She was asleep.
He was curled on the floor.
To be continued...
'Freddy promise me, not today' she pleaded. Annie was persistent, usually very easy and laid back, she swore to herself today, no more trips for Freddy. But in front of Freddy, she was somebody else. Freddy was in another time and space it seemed, he didn't bother. 'Language symboliqueeeee', he sang out loud, his laughter echoed towards the four corners of his dimly lit den. He danced slowly, somewhere in his hysterical and now uncontrollable mind he was sure that Annie would love him through this. He kept on, changed the records a few times, swallowed all the green liquer he had stolen from his aunt's place. He continued dancing slow, he was mumbling all sorts of words that neither he or Annie would understand. He kept right on, maybe this was his way of showing Annie that he hadnt lost himself to his trip, that he still had it together. Behind all the hysteria, something had affirmatively convinced Freddy he had a reason to be this way, now nothing can stop him. He bent towards Annie to pick up the tiny joint he had made and began singing a song that Annie could'nt recognize. He had begun to go over Annie's head. Slowly she would realize that she was losing him.
Annie watched, failing herself, tears began streaming down her mysterious face. She couldnt watch Freddy doing this to himself, how could Freddy give in again, what gave him in? she pondered. One Two Three Four and Five, she swallowed every single pill left in the green bottle that Batacuda gave them. Batacuda wasnt to be trusted and Annie knew this rather well, yet she watched herself drown for she couldnt save Freddy. Freddy, the boy she relentlessly ran for, she would cross the nile for him she once announced, she would have his baby even, that's what she told Freddy's mother once. Obviously over the years Freddy's mother withdrew from his life, he had no space left for her in his life. Through the maelstrum of thoughts, Annie questioned whether Freddy had burnt the space he had for her in his heart. Did he even have a heart left, she cried to herself. Freddy just stood there and laughed at her, 'stop crying you fucking skank', he pushed her towards the wall. She inadvertently realized that this was Freddy's way of making Annie feel home despite the unwelcomed attitude of Freddy's trips. Annie knew very well that she was just another stranger to Freddy now. The pills started working their magic, Annie slowly fell into a sleep that she believed would wake her into oblivion. No more memories of the previous night. Annie was hyper optimistic and the pills were to be blamed, she thought to herself about how tomorrow she would tell Freddy to choose between the haze and companionship. She thought it would be ever so easy to get Freddy to talk. But tomorrow would have its own agenda. She was freezing cold, trembling, Freddy was lying on the floor right near the entrance to his den. Her eyes flickering, struggling to open somehow through the teary blur and drugged half sleep. She reminded herself of Freddy, the boy cant obviously sleep on the floor she thought, among the million thoughts that were jumbling up in her head. 'Freddy get up, get up you bastard, we have class tomorrow, Freddy please, i love you, get up' she cried, Freddy just lay there. The screaming turned into an old fashioned that plaintively lowered its volume ever so slowly until it was over and only a scratched sound remained.
She was asleep.
He was curled on the floor.
To be continued...
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Swept Under, Swept Away, Still Floating
**heavily inspired by the music currently playing in my room, feelings could be different tomorrow**
Why is it that we spend so much time yearning for a particular moment or feeling and then when it happens it just never feels the way you thought it would? Must we stop expecting since things never take the turn you wish. It could be a different shape or form of what you longed for and momentarily you feel blessed and grateful and then soon enough you feel as though you didn't get what you bargained for. Maybe one is being very unrealistic by expecting the world in the first place but then again where do you set the right benchmark for a particular degree of EXPECTATION since none of us can foresee the future. Its such a drowning feeling to sit by yourself and feel that you should be glad things happened finally yet you want it go back to what it was. So what if you don't want what you got and want more and still crave for something bigger, it doesn't matter you must take what you get. Lest it should burn the risk of getting another chance. So much changes by the second, so many thoughts race through your mind. Truths break, faith shakes, life changes. Its so baffling to me, I could have spent 3 years wishing on a star and then one fine moment be handed a broken wish. Should we even take ourselves seriously? One second i have a resolution i stand up for and the next second i see myself breaking it like it never even crossed my mind in the first place. Although this isn't possible, taking yourself seriously is something you just do. Its a part of you. Life cant be taken lightly, little earthquakes every now and then remind us that life is to be taken seriously. Many times we just pretend we're a certain way because its our way of 'not taking myself seriously anymore'.
Sometimes i have thoughts i cant share with anyone and that moment i believe life is to be taken seriously. Its an ocean inside of you, its an entity of its own. If there are things brewing inside me that no one can see, no one comprehends. Things that can break my very hold on things then its a serious matter. But who do you run to if you cant verbalize your own fears and insecurities, what if you realize one day that your still a little child and that life was going so fast that you kept going along without stopping for a moment. I sometimes sit by myself and get affected by the intensity of questioning going on in my mind and then push it all away momentarily. So easy to do you might think, and it really is, at least for that moment. Eventually it follows you till you address it. Sometimes you just have nothing to say to it. Nothing to soothe the mad questions, no consolation, no solution. Such a difficult time, faced with two choices - leave it or take it. And you cant make that choice because it is the hardest, sacrifices will be made either way and those are daunting. Why does it have to get complicated, when did life get so entangled with hysteria. Why cant it be simple?
I could go on and on but i don't want to think about this any longer. Maybe one day this will get clear too, just the way life fixes things that you once thought were deemed unresolvable. Though don't you ever wonder what happened to those situations, where have they gone? Once larger than life itself where do they reside now? How did we suddenly come to terms with it? Are we living our lives differently without realizing that it could be a sacrifice to resolve something that was once a nightmare to us. Are we what we are today thanks to those hell raising moments. Is life just one big learning experience or a piece of crap time pass movie for some larger form that watches us in glee. Then again i tell myself don't take life so seriously and that is what i will do, i will not bother. Life is one of the most confusing experiences ever.
Why is it that we spend so much time yearning for a particular moment or feeling and then when it happens it just never feels the way you thought it would? Must we stop expecting since things never take the turn you wish. It could be a different shape or form of what you longed for and momentarily you feel blessed and grateful and then soon enough you feel as though you didn't get what you bargained for. Maybe one is being very unrealistic by expecting the world in the first place but then again where do you set the right benchmark for a particular degree of EXPECTATION since none of us can foresee the future. Its such a drowning feeling to sit by yourself and feel that you should be glad things happened finally yet you want it go back to what it was. So what if you don't want what you got and want more and still crave for something bigger, it doesn't matter you must take what you get. Lest it should burn the risk of getting another chance. So much changes by the second, so many thoughts race through your mind. Truths break, faith shakes, life changes. Its so baffling to me, I could have spent 3 years wishing on a star and then one fine moment be handed a broken wish. Should we even take ourselves seriously? One second i have a resolution i stand up for and the next second i see myself breaking it like it never even crossed my mind in the first place. Although this isn't possible, taking yourself seriously is something you just do. Its a part of you. Life cant be taken lightly, little earthquakes every now and then remind us that life is to be taken seriously. Many times we just pretend we're a certain way because its our way of 'not taking myself seriously anymore'.
Sometimes i have thoughts i cant share with anyone and that moment i believe life is to be taken seriously. Its an ocean inside of you, its an entity of its own. If there are things brewing inside me that no one can see, no one comprehends. Things that can break my very hold on things then its a serious matter. But who do you run to if you cant verbalize your own fears and insecurities, what if you realize one day that your still a little child and that life was going so fast that you kept going along without stopping for a moment. I sometimes sit by myself and get affected by the intensity of questioning going on in my mind and then push it all away momentarily. So easy to do you might think, and it really is, at least for that moment. Eventually it follows you till you address it. Sometimes you just have nothing to say to it. Nothing to soothe the mad questions, no consolation, no solution. Such a difficult time, faced with two choices - leave it or take it. And you cant make that choice because it is the hardest, sacrifices will be made either way and those are daunting. Why does it have to get complicated, when did life get so entangled with hysteria. Why cant it be simple?
I could go on and on but i don't want to think about this any longer. Maybe one day this will get clear too, just the way life fixes things that you once thought were deemed unresolvable. Though don't you ever wonder what happened to those situations, where have they gone? Once larger than life itself where do they reside now? How did we suddenly come to terms with it? Are we living our lives differently without realizing that it could be a sacrifice to resolve something that was once a nightmare to us. Are we what we are today thanks to those hell raising moments. Is life just one big learning experience or a piece of crap time pass movie for some larger form that watches us in glee. Then again i tell myself don't take life so seriously and that is what i will do, i will not bother. Life is one of the most confusing experiences ever.
Something New
Today something new happened and Im not going to ponder over it or think about the repercussions either. Today something different happened and this time i will not bother about it like i would have two years ago. Today i will let it rush over me and let it happen for me.
Today was different.
I will remember today for a while to come
Today was different.
I will remember today for a while to come
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